Cutaneous immune emission syndrome, known commonly among schoolchildren as Cooties, appears to be on the brink of extinction, according to a press release by the World Kindergrteners Association (WKA).
“We’re still treating new cases, but numbers have waned dramatically over the past few years,” says Logan Klein, a 6-year-old first grader with a dual cub scout merit [...]
Tags:bradley cootie·cootie prevention·cooties·kids·nerds·socially misaligned foreign students·wads
It’s like a scene out of a movie: A big downtown firm is interviewing candidates for a top sales position. It’s been a long and draining day full of dull questions and even duller responses. The fat cats are getting ready to call it a day, when suddenly they hear a knock on the door.
“Gentlemen, [...]
Tags:discounts on handles·door styles·doors·frames·mahogony·mouldings·oak·varnish
With the reverberations are still being felt from last month’s Michael Cera scandal, a new study threatens to demolish what is left of Michael Cera’s nice-guy credibility. The study, released yesterday, claims that famed nice-seeming so-and-so Michael Cera is, in actuality, not as unassuming as the characters he traditionally plays. Naturally, these allegations have set [...]
Tags:Big M.A.C.·farts·I'm Fartacus·Michael Cera·nice guys finishing last·plural faux pas·pot shots·Science·Scott Pilgrim·studies
“Well it just goes to show you,” remarked physicist and popular author Brian Greene bearing his trademark don’t-cha-know-it grin, “the universe still has a few tricks up her sleeve.”
Scientists around the globe are just beginning to grasp the significance of what is “perhaps the first great scientific discovery of our young century.” Published in last [...]
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… They get ketchup all over their new outfit!
Madam Eta Carinae thought she’d have a quick lunch break before heading back to work. Looks like she got a little mooney for her homonocleus nebula snack and it exploded all over her! Uh oh… Here’s hoping she’s like us and packs a stick-on stain remover. In [...]
Tags:Astronomy·Frank & Beanz·Jokes about Celebrities·Jokes about jokes·Jokes about Magazines·Jokes about Nebulas·Jokes about orion·Jokes about Stars·Jokes about Stars they're just like us·Jokes about the universe·Jokes baout i want to kill myself·Juicy Celebrity Gossip
Hurumph! How did I get here? Man, my head is pounding. I can feel my brain rubbing against the inside of my skull. Where am I? Craig? Steve? Hey, you. Dude. Wait. You, guy. Lemme see those shades. What the…oh man. Dude. It’s finally happened…
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JUL 04: Greetings, new roommate. Although I lack the ability to feel basic human emotions, I wish to communicate to you my gratitude and eagerness to be spending the next two months with you. That said, I feel there has been a miscommunication regarding certain aspects of a domestic nature. In the craigslist ad I [...]
Tags:blocked cocks·blocks·chores·cockblocks·cocks·Data·hygiene·my dreams·roommates·singing·Spinerfem·Star Trek
SPEAKER: Elmer Whatshisname IV
AUTHOR: Elmer Whatshisname IV, Jr.
AFFILIATION: Regressive Conservative Party
DATE: October 12th, 1975
CANDIDATE: (greetings, baby kisses, waves waves waves) Welcome, welcome one and all, thank y’all for showin’ up on this blustery Bluesday!
Tags:big boobs xxx·cats·cats turn into dogs·conservatives·crawdads·Dogs·evolution·humdingers·liberals·Politics·southerners·speeches·yankees
Heath,
I drink Gatorade so much that I have begun sweating out flourescent yellow. This confuses me because I only drink orange Gatorade. Should I switch to Encino brand energy sport drink instead? I have heard through the grape vine and from many popular athletes that this drink is far superior to the Gatorade products and [...]
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By: John Semley, Accredited Graduate of Hollywood Insider Correspondence Equivalence Programme
HOLLYWOOD, PA-Exciting news from Tinsel Town, insiders! In an exclusive on-chesterfield interview with your humble cub reporter, certified Hollywood superstar director/producer McG, who sources indicate is actually named Joseph McGinty Nichol, claimed that his latest film, Terminator Salvation, offered no particular challenges for the exceptionally [...]
Tags:Christian Bale·James Cameron·Jones Soda·McG·Night at the Museum 2·sentient supercomputers·summer blockbusters·Terminator Salvation