Cutaneous immune emission syndrome, known commonly among schoolchildren as Cooties, appears to be on the brink of extinction, according to a press release by the World Kindergrteners Association (WKA).
“We’re still treating new cases, but numbers have waned dramatically over the past few years,” says Logan Klein, a 6-year-old first grader with a dual cub scout merit [...]
Tags:bradley cootie·cootie prevention·cooties·kids·nerds·socially misaligned foreign students·wads
With the reverberations are still being felt from last month’s Michael Cera scandal, a new study threatens to demolish what is left of Michael Cera’s nice-guy credibility. The study, released yesterday, claims that famed nice-seeming so-and-so Michael Cera is, in actuality, not as unassuming as the characters he traditionally plays. Naturally, these allegations have set [...]
Tags:Big M.A.C.·farts·I'm Fartacus·Michael Cera·nice guys finishing last·plural faux pas·pot shots·Science·Scott Pilgrim·studies
In case you’re out of the loop, it’s a puh-retty big day in comedy. That’s right, Michael Cera turns 22 today. Now, we know, 22’s no big deal. Being the scrappy Ontario kid that he is, it’s the big one-niner that allowed Michael to snag his first legal drink. And at eighteen the C-Man could [...]
Tags:birthdays·light lime beers·Michael Cera·refreshment·voices of generations
“Well it just goes to show you,” remarked physicist and popular author Brian Greene bearing his trademark don’t-cha-know-it grin, “the universe still has a few tricks up her sleeve.”
Scientists around the globe are just beginning to grasp the significance of what is “perhaps the first great scientific discovery of our young century.” Published in last [...]
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(Center City, Earth) A press release issued by the cabal of word leaders comprising the New World Order revealed today that, beginning with the third Friday of this month, every third Friday will be henceforth be commemorated as Hawaiian Shirt Day, or, Aloha! Day.
The announcement comes months after the United Nations, IMF, Elders of Zion, [...]
Tags:Al Yankovic·Aloha!·Elders of Zion·IMF·Jay-Z·New World Order·Republicans
Tags:Arrested Development·blew myself·blue man group·David Cross·drumming·drums·Jeff Goldblum on Tim and Eric·Jeff Goldmumangroup·Music·Politics·Tim and Eric·Tobias Bluth·Tobias Bluth from Arrested Development·trials·war crimes
Attention all you Nerfherders, Chumbawumbas, and Puddles of Mudd: take heart. Tuesday was an important day for every clumsily-named rock band yearning to escape self-imposed exile on the silly rack. NME’s Butthole Surfers retrospective, “Gnarly Stoned Surf,” marks the 2,000th time the Texas-bred altsters have been taken seriously in print, without any glib preemptive consideration [...]
Tags:Butthole Surfers·Gen X·NME·Oingo Boingo·Puddle of Mudd·They Might Be Giants·Twinkie Snack Cake·Weird Al
(New Brunswick, NJ) A perfectly good social gathering was spoiled Friday night when Rutger’s University sophomore Steven Conolly disrupted a party at a high school friend’s Bayard St. apartment. Conolly and several others were gathered at friend Andrew Temple’s bachelor apartment, allegedly streaming an episode of The Duel II on MTV.com, when Conolly let slip [...]
Tags:ceramic bongs·college boy·MTV·Radio Free Albemuth·Rock Band 2·Rutgers University·smoking weed·The Duel 2·The Truman Show
By: John Semley, Accredited Graduate of Hollywood Insider Correspondence Equivalence Programme
HOLLYWOOD, PA-Exciting news from Tinsel Town, insiders! In an exclusive on-chesterfield interview with your humble cub reporter, certified Hollywood superstar director/producer McG, who sources indicate is actually named Joseph McGinty Nichol, claimed that his latest film, Terminator Salvation, offered no particular challenges for the exceptionally [...]
Tags:Christian Bale·James Cameron·Jones Soda·McG·Night at the Museum 2·sentient supercomputers·summer blockbusters·Terminator Salvation