TERMINAL LAUGHTER » Love

Michael Cera Birthday Cera Cast

juandoe — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:40:12 +0000

Hey Guys,

John here. I know, I know. I haven’t uploaded one of these in a while. Sue me! But if you saw the last one, then you know how things with my Cera Cast co-host and lifelong friend Matt went, while, a little south, let’s say. Anyways, I moved back into my folks’ garage, and I’ve been Cera Casting religiously, but just haven’t had a chance to upload ‘em (‘net connection back here is spotty & too lazy to go to library). Anyways guys, did a special one Monday nite in honour of Michael Cera’s big 2-2 and thought I’d share it. Make sure to watch the whole thing as it features a very special guest….

….Michael Cera!

This one is brought to you by Miller Chilled, the light lime taste of summer that is better than Bud Lite Lime.

Happy 22nd Birthday Michael Cera!

juandoe — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 17:06:25 +0000

In case you’re out of the loop, it’s a puh-retty big day in comedy. That’s right, Michael Cera turns 22 today. Now, we know, 22’s no big deal. Being the scrappy Ontario kid that he is, it’s the big one-niner that allowed Michael to snag his first legal drink. And at eighteen the C-Man could hit strip clubs and buy scratch tickets. As 21-year-old, Michael was able to buy brown pops and bourbon in his adopted homeland, Hollywood, as recently as yesterday. But 22 is almost more meaningful. Lacking any major milestone, 22 means that Cera has arrived. That he’s here and his inexhaustible sprit is here to stay. Forever. For good.

And the good-time gang here at Terminal Laughter Cera couldn’t be more excited. It seems hard to believe that Michael Cera really be 22. Has it really been 11 years since Michael first touched our hearts as Larrabe Hicks in the Canadian/UK kids’ show I Was In A Teenage Alien? Was it all the way back in 2002 when Cera starred as the plucky young Chuck Barris in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, leading to speculation that he’d be the next George Clooney? And man oh man, ain’t it hard to believe that it was waaaaaaay back in 2003 that Cera captured the imaginations of comedy fans everywhere, playing the fumbling, pleat-panted George Michael on Arrested Development? Time flies when you’re laughing, Mike, and thanks for ‘em. Cheers.

See, really, even though today is Michael Austin Cera’s birthday, isn’t it really all of our birthdays? Because isn’t there a little Michael Cera in all of us? We’d like to think so.

Which of has hasn’t suffered as a wallflower, awkwardly wringing our hands at the high school dance, wondering when was the best time to ask that nebbish-but-still-cute AV girl to slow dance to “Don’t Wanna Misss A Thing”? Which of us hasn’t holstered our teenage thumbs through the straps of our knapsacks, rocked back and forth on the balls of our adorable feet, and whistled choice cuts from Weezer’s Pinkerton while we wait for our mom to finish with her daily banking? Which of us hasn’t consistently palled around with a brash, loud-mouthed, likely chubby comic foil, our shenanigans outmatched only by the very chemistry of our camaraderie?

And if you haven’t managed to seduce the best looking girl in your high school or post-high school friend circle through charming hemming and hawing punctuated by a few well-placed compliments about her hair or band t-shirts then, well, you’re hardly the sort of reader Terminal Laughter Cera cares to court.

So celebrate: for the voice and svelte body of a generation is 22 today. Which means we are all 22 today. We here at Terminal Laughter Cera raise a cold Miller Chilled (or Bud Light Lime) in tribute, Mike. For we are all Michael Ceras, one and all. We are all Michael Ceras. We are all Michael. We are all. We are. We.

All hail.

A Pretty Convenient Way To Pick Up Women

Doyle — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 21:42:54 +0000

MAN SQUAD POST # 3674

This could be you.

Hey fellas,

It’s hard out there to focus on a career and land a girlfriend, all while having to keep a roof over your head and food in your gut. We know. We’ve been there. That’s where Terminal Laughter’s Man Squad (a collection of our male and male-related bloggers) comes in.

Forget worrying about rent and food.

“But then how will I get a girlfriend? Girls love roofs and food.”

Well, there’s something else girls love more than roofs or food: consciences.

Environmentalism is all the rage these days with actual women, and the womanly men who are often their best friends and ones they turn to for advice on such pressing issues as, “Should I date this Terminal Laughter Man Squad blogger I just met?” You need to present yourself as an environmentalist. And how will you do this? Well, do nothing at all. In fact, quit your job. Do everything you do well: nothing. The less money you have, the more environmentally friendly you become. Lowering your eco footprint will ensure you’ll be putting a handprint all over her whatevers.

Scenarios

1. You have just taken a girl on a frugal date in a city park. After about an hour of playing the rousing game “Match owner to Dog” in the leashless zone, you invite her back home. Girl has entered your apartment and notices there are no lights on. She jokingly says, “Hey, it’s not Earth Hour.” You reply, “No, but this is planet Earth. And she is crying.” Soon the girl will cry at your sensitivity. Do not mention that the lack of lights is due to cheque bounceage. Play it off as a choice. Hang out in the dark, perhaps playing a two-person game of Marco Polo. If she asks for food, tell her you do not keep food in the house as cardboard and plastic packaging is terribly unethical. If feeling generous offer her a mint. (NOTE: Swipe mint from lobby of Greek restaurant earlier that day).

2. Things seem to be going well and so you invite Girl into your bedroom. Upon entry, it is clear that you lack a bed. When she points this out, say “Beds are made of wood. The clear-cutting of forests for bed production is something I cannot abide by.” It is a personal choice whether or not you would like to make a joke about the lack of wood in the room and presence of “wood” in your nether-regions. Depends on the Girl. If she has hoop earrings or a belt with a thickness greater than two thumb widths, go for it.

3. After a long bout of back-breaking lovemaking on your parquet bedroom floor, the sun begins to rise and your apartment is finally illuminated. Girl sees that you, in addition to lacking a bed, also lack possessions of any kind. “I was going to suggest we watch a movie together, but I see that’s impossible because you don’t even own a TV.” Respond with a brusque shove and a declaration that this is by choice and that televisions are made of copper from notoriously noxious copper mines, and they use electricity, which everyone knows is a terrible drain to Mother Earth and a frequent cause of political clashes throughout the world. Drive your point home by lifting your shirt and revealing your tattoo, “No War For Electricity.” (NOTE: Use Magic Marker at the collating desk of your local Kinko’s to create “tattoo.”)

4. After a second bout of back-breaking love-making, Girl will probably hope to shower herself after all of the terrible things you’ve done with/to her. Happily tell her you would love to “do as cats do,” in lieu of an actual shower. Inform her that due to your green pledge, you do not subscribe to any hot water service. You would be keen to light a candle and wait a few days for a tea cup of water to warm. To do that, of course, would require a few days of ear wax collection to create a guilt-free candle though.

5. Things should be going horribly well at this point. Girl should be falling for you hard. Well, if you are a true Man Squad abider, then you will know that this is the LAST thing you want. You must institute a change in your tactics at this point. After being rejected for the shower, she may ask to use your toilet. Inform her that the porcelain in toilets is harvested from a mixture of dolphin kidneys and emu souls and thus, you do not have one. “Do it on my chest,” you say now.

6. After a wild, somewhat disgusting and defiling bout of back-breaking love-making, you will now both be craving a shower. At this point, seriously, just take a shower. I never thought you’d get this far. Forget about ploys to get girlfriends— if you’re into what you just did and you found a girl who’s also into the filthy act that just transpired between you two, hang on to her for dear life. She’s a keeper.

Peace from the Man Squad!

LOVE ME, LOVE MY HOMUNCULUS

edddddd — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:13:12 +0000

To the lady it may concern:

If you are reading this, you have most likely locked yourself in my bathroom. I apologize for not saying the following to you personally, but this sort of situation happens often enough that my neighbours have complained about the noise of me talking through the door. Hopefully, this pamphlet will answer the questions you likely have and encourage you to come out of the bathroom.

First, I told you plain and simple: “I have a homunculus.” You didn’t have to stick around after that. I’m kind of surprised you did. What the hell went through your mind? Why the hell would I say that if I didn’t really have one? It’s certainly not funny. It’s a fucking weird thing to joke about.

Second, when I invited you up to my apartment, I reminded you about the homunculus. Again. “Remember, I have a homunculus.” Didn’t any alarm bells flash then? How did it slip past your guard twice? What is wrong with you? Why did you not ask about this homunculus I kept talking about? There must have been dozens of opportunities over the course of the evening! Did you think I was talking about my penis? That’s even weirder than just talking about my homunculus!

Third, I guarantee that he will not bite you. He simply gnashes his teeth upon meeting a stranger – like a chimp will bare their teeth to intimidate a potential threat. He is harmless, and had you not locked yourself in the bathroom you are currently in, he would have smelt you and grown accustomed to you by now.

Fourth, it was a gift from a friend. A friend I wouldn’t even consider a friend anymore.

Fifth, when I say “harmless,” I mean he will not intentionally harm you – I do not mean he is hygienic or healthy. Obviously, he has escaped from his jar, and he often eats things off the floor when I am out of my apartment. While I might ask you to not be afraid of him, I would not ask you to not be wary of him and minimize your contact with him.

Sixth, no, he does not have a name, nor will he ever. I dislike him enough even without an identity.

Seventh, I do not know where the friend got him from. It was a “hey, can you hang on to this while I’m gone” kind of thing. I don’t know when he’s coming back, and it would be rude to simply get rid of it.

Eighth, I do not know if there are lady homunculi, or where I would get one. I have not done any research into their existence or history. I only know the basics of homunculus care.

Ninth, I assure you, I am not offput by your panicky episode, and am still willing to sleep with you tonight.

Tenth, the homunculus is in no way involved in my sex routine. I am offended you might even think that, and am upset by the series of insinuations you have wordlessly vollied at me since I first mentioned the homunculus. It bodes poorly for any future, post-sex relationship if you are going to think such thoughts and lessen your opinion of me for them without even giving me a chance to defend myself. I assure you that poor communication, and not the homunculus, has ended the majority of my relationships.

Eleventh, if nothing else, you can leave through the bathroom window without having to see the homunculus again. You may contact me via telephone, email or Facebook and we can arrange to meet again in a different location.

(Hopefully) Yours,

Murray

To the lady it may concern:

Fourth, it was a gift from a friend. A friend I wouldn’t even consider a friend anymore.

Sixth, no, he does not have a name. I dislike him enough even without an identity.

Eighth, I do not know if there are lady homunculi, or where I would get one. I have not done any research into their existence or history. I only know the basics of homunculus care.

Ninth, I assure you, I am not offput by your panicky episode, and am still willing to sleep with you tonight.

Dog in a Leather Jacket: The Complete Correspondence

edddddd — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 02:17:29 +0000

Volume 1 – Robert

Dearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

How long has it been, old friend? Two, three years? My stars, I swear it seems only yesterday we were neighbours and confidants. I trust the intervening years have preserved you much as you were, and that your hypersensitive ears might still attune themselves to me – though I am in the fullest flush of puberty, my troubles are fully-grown, I assure you.

Alas, I am in need of your keen nose for matters social. I have a crush on a girl at school, but nary a clue of what to do. She is very popular and pretty, I do not have many friends. She is good at sports, I have a peg leg. She is funny and a straight-A student, I am painfully humourless and routinely flunk out of school, only to sneak back in. She has rainbow-elastic braces and a wonderful smile, my teeth are bashed and crooked and periodically emit a high-pitched squeal. She opens doors with ease, my near-comical greasiness renders doorknobs inutile. She answers questions in class, the act of raising my arm causes farts to escape me. She bullies people, I get bullied – sadly, not by her. She is everything good and desirable in the world! I fear I cannot survive another day spent withering under her brilliance! What am I to do, Dog in a Leather Jacket?

I apologize for the lack of personal exposition of the few years since last we spoke, but you know I never was one for such formalities. I am certain the relevant events will become apparent by continued correspondence.

Fondest regards,

Robert

dude wtf is wrong whth u?
why tf are u so greesy too?
shower man! thats grooss.
cum too buffalo, ill get u laid.
sry for spleling
peace
ps who ru
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

Dearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

Much as I appreciate your advice, it is simply out of the question that I should forget her. Ah!, how she sets my heart on fire! How she turns my spine to jelly! There are days, I swear before you now, that she simply floats down the hall! To touch the common, base floor would pollute her divinity!

But oh! My woe is beyond mere grease – the removal of which is a medical impossibility, I have been assured. No, beyond all the superficial distances between us, it is the distance between my persona and one of confidence that is of greatest concern! How I long to hold her hand! Upon being near her, my tongue becomes tied, my bones shake, my teeth squeal, and I sweat profusely, in such vast, rapid quantities that in mere seconds’ time, I appear to have wet myself. Would that mater would purchase anything besides khaki pants for me! A darker denim might grant me sufficient time to speak my peace!

Oh, Dog in a Leather Jacket, how I long for simpler days, when you graced my neighbourhood! Upon leaving, you took your esteem with you – as well as what secondary esteem I received from my proximity to you.

As to your question of my identity, I am Robert! Perhaps you might remember me better by the name “Blobbert,” as it was used more regularly (and at greater volumes) than my proper name e’er was. “Snobbert” may also ring a few bells – good ones I hope.

Yours etc.,

Robert (aka “Blobbert,” “Snobbert,” “Slobbert,” “Blowjobbert,” “Fag,” “Fagbert,” “Fuck Off,” or any number of silent glowers)

o hey dudd
stop bein a puzzy and askher out.
read the game an lern to pickup.
get a lether jaket
then comf\ 2 bufffalo
and well prarty if ur not gya.
peace
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

Dearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

I am afraid that disaster has struck. Though I followed your advice to the letter, I failed spectacularly in my amorous pursuits. I do not blame your advice, but myself. Though I followed The Game precisely, I feel as though my underlying faults showed through the façade of confidence preached by the tome.

As it was, it went rather well up to a point. I learned to make eye contact with her and approach immediately – and I did. However, things quickly soured. As I approached, she walked away. I continued approaching, knowing that if I slowed or became distracted, my chances dropped to nil. She continued evading. Eventually, I began running. Despite her athleticism and properly-fitting sneakers, my love carried me closer and closer to her. But my peg leg could not feel the urgency of my heart, and gave way underneath me, causing me to fall into her fleeing feet, bringing her down partially beneath me in a screaming cacophony. Proceeding to step two of The Game, I picked a source of her pride – her intelligent good looks – and belittled them, to “rattle her”.

I am uncertain whether her self-esteem was shaken enough to consider me in a more positive light. Either I did not properly belittle her, or she did not hear me over her own screaming, or I did not have time to fully capture her attention – I was quickly pulled off of her by two burly associates of hers, who proceeded to pummel me in a manner reminiscent of our playfights of old, Dog in a Leather Jacket.

I fear I shall never live this defeat down, Dog in a Leather Jacket. My old friends Defeat, Shame and Isolation now have a new friend, Embarrassment. But I have no new friends. I believe I shall be killed if I return to school, yet mater shall not allow me to homeschool myself. Suicide, ever the bitter fruit, has sweetened to my mind’s taste.

Have you any words of encouragement, Dog in a Leather Jacket? I need them now more than ever.

With utmost sincerity,

Robert

the game dusnt wrok if ur fat.
but watever - if u comd
to buffalo ican probz hook u up.
peace
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

dude, u ther? i forgt:
dont kill ursleft.
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

Dearest Dog in a Leather Jacket:

How ever can I thank you? My plight – no, no, OUR plight – has been remedied! As a result of the aggressive actions you recommended, I have been ordered to change educatory districts! The flame of my love, far removed from its fuel, has begun to wither, and is now but a pale ember of its former inferno! And – and! – this new domain brings with it a new damsel!

I am too lovelorn to describe her at present, Dog in a Leather Jacket – my heart can hardly keep itself from bursting out my mouth, else I would sing her praises eternal! Oh, fanciful tongue – very well, make do with this one snippet: she is no less than TWICE as popular as the old maid I once idolized!

I shall rehearse The Game daily, and surely, you shall hear of my conquests! I am certain of it! I cannot thank you enough for talking me back from the brink of oblivion! You have shown me the way – peg leg or no peg leg, grease or no grease, farts or no farts, I daily rededicate myself to the joys of the world!

Forever grateful,

Robert

dude
srsly
who ru really
-----
Sent from my Blackberry-style device.

Top Five Couples at Carl Handler High of the Decade!

frankandbeanz — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 18:04:13 +0000

By Mrs. Blumenstein

Hi there Panthers! We’ve had a speedy first decade of the new millennium. Y2k passed with no adieu and now we’re all (earth)quakin’ with fear about 2012… Unless of course we’ve taken Mr. Miller’s Ancient Civilizations course and we know the Mayans actually meant 2008, and nothing happened. So let’s talk about what really mattered this decade, shall we, Panthers?

Let me first show you a quote from the one of the best films of the last decade, swoon swoon, The Notebook!!!

Allie: Do you think our love can make miracles?
Duke: I do.

Here’s all the love that made miracles at Carl Handler High over the last decade. I present for your perusal and excitement, the top five couples @ Carl Handler High!

5.
Name: Rebecca Addison and Bradley Trevors

Graduating Year: 2006

Reason They Made The List: Something about these two just warms me in all the right places. They may not be heart-locket perfect, but that’s a big part of what makes them so charming! You just want to go right up to them and tell them that it’ll all be OK and not to fight always. One day they’ll see. I’m sure that you’ve all heard Meagin Lawson spreading nasty rumours about how Brad doesn’t treat Bex right and hasn’t always been faithful to her, but that’s what best friends do: they look out for each other and (hope I’m not stepping out too far here) sometimes get in the way of true love with their meddling over-protection! I hope that Meg learns that as much as she is trying to help out, she is just tearing them apart. Brad is the hunky heart-throb with a throbbing heart: his brooding demeanor is just a cover for a soul that holds a lot of pain and passion. Bex is adorable, intelligent and a perfect little gift from God sent to straighten out the bad boy. I just know they’ll resolve all their issues — until the day someone tells them about children and mortages!

Most Swoony Moment: Bex yells at Brad, crying and saying if he really cared about her, he would stop taking other girls on long drives home along the parkway. His response: “Baby I love you”, before swooping in, like a love-sick eagle, for a perfect kiss. Swoon!

4.
Name: Janey Lane and Chet Wilson

Graduating Year: 2009

Reason They Made The List: How could they not? You got a head cheerleader and a star quarterback and the only question is why aren’t they number 1?! I taught Chet French in grade 3 back when I was at Wilson Elementary and I have to say that even then I knew he’d be a total fox. Lucky Janey snagged him in grade 9 and didn’t let go. Word is they’re going to stay together forever and probably end up back at Carl Handler after they both get their teaching degrees. Hello staff room hook-ups!

Most Swoony Moment: With the winking permission of a certain romance-obsessed teacher (guilty!) Chet and Janey got their own personal hotel room during Montreal grad trip 09! Don’t tell Mom and Dad but looks like Janey and Chet are gonna be a Mom and Dad!

3.
Name: Mr. Grant and Mrs Tew

Graduating Year: Teachers… As Wayne & Garth would say, Duh!

Reason They Made The List: 1+1 = 2? Wrong! 1 Math teacher + 1 more math teacher = 1 great couple!

Most Swoony Moment: When I caught the bouquet at their in-school assembly wedding. Watch out principal Deepak! I like my curry like I like my men: spicy!

2.
Name: Bradley Trevors and Meagin Lawson

Graduating Year: 2006

Reason They Made The List: There is nothing more romantic than a secret tryst! You really have to care about someone if you are willing to hide your love under a blanket quilted from hush-hush. They did such a great job of keeping it under wraps, but there was one interested party who they weren’t fooling: ME! When these two private lovers entered a room, the lust weighed so heavy in the air that you needed an oxygen mask. Just catching a stolen glance between this pair of outlaw sweethearts was nearly enough to make me faint in my chair.

Most Swoony Moment: Fogle Quarry, 2004. I had to keep a safe distance so that I didn’t blow my cover, but the site of two abandoned bikes tossed carelessly beside the bustling bushes and the heaving sounds of adolescent passion reaching forbidden heights was enough to flood my mind with thoughts of steamy embrace that haunted my dreams for weeks.

1.
Name: Barry Haggarty and Kindra Jaffal

Graduating Year: N/A

Reason They Made The List: Because I’m over it! Barry and I were engaged for seven years, but then he broke it all off because he wanted someone “younger”. Kinda funny he met the younger gal at a Handler High dance during a limbo contest. How low can you go, Barry? Well, apparently as low as a ninth grade student at the school I teach at. So glad it worked out well for him, though. He ruined my life for years but now I can see that Barry and Kindra are a match made in Heaven, and are meant to be together forever even though the age difference is totally f$#%d up and illegal, but when you think about it so are Edward and Bella in Twilight because he’s a centuries old vampire and she’s a young, vulnerable girl, and when you think about it more you realize Barry is an emotional vampire. I’m so happy for the love that they share and hope that no one ever calls the authorities on Barry because I’m not sure Kindie’s parents would allow her to visit him in jail, which would just be so sad for everyone.

Most Swoony Moment: Well fancy that, here he comes now, driving her up to the top of the escarpment in his Sunfire and telling her, let me guess, he’s got a lot of tension and needs some release. The sweet nothing sounds as familiar as the sound of sirens as they race up the hill, tipped off by some mysterious source, gunning to catch these statutory lovers in acts of carnal transgression, while I watch the storybook high school drama unfold standing perched at my safe teacher’s distance.

Looks like you might have to cancel your concert tonight, Barry boy. Such a shame, I was really looking forward to watching Old Time Rock and Rollers: the Silver Bullet Cover Band rock Grant O’Dooleys for the seventieth time, where the only night move they seem to be working on is getting so loaded on imitation Guiness that they forget which songs they’re supposed to be playing and start barfing out barf instead of lyrics, tripping over plastic spurs and leprechaun lamps.

Most swoony moment is probably at the abortion clinic when he offers to pay for it even though it’s an empty offer and when he runs to his car to get the wallet he “forgot” and you never see him again you know it’s just because, in his words, “this love scares me its so real.”

(FRANK&BEANZ)

From the Journals of Dr. James Walter Richter, Licensed Marriage Counsellor

juandoe — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:23:48 +0000

Dr. J.W. Richter, Licensed Marriage Counsellor

August 7, 2008, 1:00PM PST: Held first private session with subject Shriver, M. [wife]. Subject claimed marriage has been strained for some time. Blames poor communication with subject Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. While subject Shriver, M. conceded that lack of open dialogue in marriage may be a result of husband’s work as action hero, strongest man in the world and 38^th governor of this, the great state of California, she claims problems run much deeper. Major breakthrough.

August 8, 2008, 3:00PM PST: Conducted first private session with subject Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. Bigger than I anticipated. Eagerly greeted me with a firm handshake. Asked me how the “party” was. Despite subject’s confident swagger and air of refined machismo that preceded him, he seemed comfortable in therapy environment. Commented that he believed “head shrinking” was for “fancy lads,” a remark I took to be in jest. Subject denied any rift in marriage with subject Shriver, S. being result of poor communication on his part. Claimed wife had “more issues than Reader’s Digest.” Asked me if I knew what a psychiatrist’s favourite fast food restaurant chain was. Before I could offer response, he emphatically interjected: “Kentucky Freud Chicken!” No progress made.

August 10, 2008, 1:30 PM PST: Conducted first group session with subjects Shriver, M. [wife] and Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. Subject Shriver, M. seemed flustered upon entering session, whereas subject Schwarzenegger, A. seemed typically gregarious, greeting me with another firm handshake. As soon as subject Shriver positioned herself on the chaise lounge, husband quickly snapped “See Doc, I told you she was a great lay!” Found it difficult not to be amused by subject’s effortless wordplay. [Wife] again spoke at length regarding lack of communication in their marriage, and her frustration with husband’s inability to speak honestly with her. Suggested that subject Schwarzenegger, A. used puns as a defense mechanism. Also suggested that considering his decades-long naturalization in the United States, his thick Austrian accent constitutes an affectation. Subject Schwarzenegger, A. responded with “Honey, maybe you should act like a pair of curtains and pull yourself together.” No progress made.

August 16, 2008. 4:00PM PST: Conducted second group session with subjects Shriver, M. [wife] and Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. Suggested that the couple engage in a role-playing exercise where [husband] would assume role of [wife] and vice-versa, in order to place themselves in the other’s loafers, metaphorically and so-to-speak. Subject Schwarzenegger, A. responded “I don’t do requests.” [Wife] stormed out in what could best be described in medical health terms as a disgruntled huff. No progress made.

August 20, 2008. 2:15PM PST: Conducted third group session with subjects Shriver, M. [wife] and Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. Subject Shriver, M. appeared visibly distressed, chain-smoking cigarettes throughout entire session. Subject Schwarzenegger, A. again seemed entirely unruffled, greeting me with a friendly “high five” and smiling throughout the duration of session. [Wife] relayed a story wherein subject Schwarzenegger, A. became violently angry as a result of a subpar dinner preparation. When prodded on subject of supper in question, [husband] reacted defensively, saying “Are you crazy?! I am not going to eat dry chicken! If I see a stupid chicken like that again I punch my hand through its stomach and break its spine!!!” Subject Schwarzenegger, A. then proceeded to snatch client registry off my desk and tear it in half. Impressive. No progress made.

August 27, 2008. 5:00PM PST: Conducted what would turn out to be final group session with subjects Shriver, M. [wife] and Schwarzenegger, A. [husband]. Subject Shriver, M. seemed at her wits end. Subject Schwarzenegger, A., unusually attentive to [wife]’s aggravation. Was uncharacteristically forthcoming in telling her/me that he is “like a genie” in that his emotions “are all bottled up.” Subject Shriver, M. was unmoved by what I considered a major breakthrough. [Wife] turned to [husband] and said “Consider this a divorce” in a mawkish Teutonic accent that I took to be a jibe at subject Schwarzenegger, A.’s inelegant handling of American English. Schwarzenegger, A. assertively shouted back “Hasta la vista, baby!” After subject Shriver, M. had left office, subject Schwarzenegger, A. sat sullen on edge of upholstered sofa in silence for a few minutes. Swore I saw single tear bead down his mighty cheek. May have been problem with contact lenses of subject Richter, Dr. J.W. [self]. After prolonged silence, subject Schwarzenegger, A. expressed emotional openness unbecoming of Styrian Oak, muttering to himself, “She’ll be back.” Major breakthrough. NOTE: Payment for counselling services rendered not yet received.

re: oops

neddymillions — Fri, 22 May 2009 03:03:19 +0000

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 14, 2009 at 8:45 PM
subject		oops

Hey Mike,
I’m just writing to let you know I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday. The weeks just whizzed by, and before I knew it, I had completely forgotten to wish you my birthday blessings. I’ve been really forgetful lately and I guess I’ve been bad at being friends. I know you take this stuff really personally and tend to ruminate over small things like this, so I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t make an intentional decision, it was a total accident: I just forgot. I feel really really bad about it and I’ve been thinking about it all day. So, sorry, and happy belated birthday,

All the Best,

Sarah

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Fri, May 15, 2009 at 2:35 PM
subject		re: oops

Sarah,
No big deal. Honestly. I had completely forgotten that you forgot. I guess I forgot to notice. Does that make me the forgetful one, of the two of us? Hope not. It does, doesn’t it? So yeah, sorry that I forgot that you forgot, I guess subconsciously this must mean that it wasn’t too important to me or anything. Who knows? Maybe you could ask your therapist what he thinks it means?

-Michael

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Sat, May 16, 2009 at 7:43 PM
subject		re: oops

Oh dear. Jenny told me you were having a bit of a tough time with everything. Hope all is ok with you, I really do. I hope you realize that I still care about you and didn’t mean for anything to be this way.
Love,
Sarah

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Sat, May 16, 2009 at 7:45 pM
subject		re: oops

Oh hi Sarah,

Sorry I’m pretty busy right now so I won’t be able to type too long. It’s amazing the things you can get done in your life when you don’t just stay home alone with your spouse watching movies on the couch and spooning and yeah, it’s pretty busy now, my life. How’s yours? I am so glad we’re finally at a point now where we can, like, be friends! That means so much to me because i would hate for us to never “go out to sea” together ever again… on any sort of relationSHIP.

So hop on the boat, Sarah, and let’s sail together! I am totally riding on a pretty happy boat right now and it’s always eeger for new pasengers!

It is so so good to hear form you though and I really want you to know that I well I know that you are doing fine too and I just want you to know that even though things ended in a bad way, when I look back on it I almost feel like the breakup was mutual, you know? I just didn’t have the courage to abre my ojos and see that we were ——– Well, whatever! New ship we’re on now! No more Titanic LOL!

I go out all the time now and have met lots of new people. Have you met any new boys? I’m having lots of fun in the lovelife dept. We can talk about that, right? If we can’t I won’t mention it again… but if you ARE comfortable with hearing about my exploits, then it’s been GREAT! Everything I should have tried in college I’m doing now. It’s really fantastic. A blessing in disguise this break up.

Did I tell you I’m probably gonna get a book published? Yeah, the company is deciding whether or not to make it a book or to just pay for me to go to law school because they all think I’d make a really good, successful politician or Prime Minisiter. “Beauty and brains”—their words, not mine!

How are you? Still working retail? I’m sure it’s not THAT bad. Cheer up.

Love always,

Mike

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Sun, May 17, 2009 at 5:07 PM
subject		re: 00ps

Mike,
Great to see that you are keeping busy, but also that you took the time out of your busy schedule to write that lengthy response to my casual e-mail. It is also great that you are now retrospectively feeling that the break-up was mutual. While I can’t say that I really share that perspective, I think that it is healthy for you to reimagine the past in a way that is less painful for you, emotionally.

Of course Mikey we can talk about our new “exploits” as you call them. We can talk about anything! There are no limits to friendship. But honestly Mike, I don’t really know how this is going to sound, but in response to your “have I met any new boys” question, I really don’t know if we are at a point where I should be answering those types of questions to you. I would hate to hurt you. Again. You made it so clear how much my actions hurt you in the past, so lets just both do our best to move beyond that, and get you back to a place where you can be strong again.

So good to hear from you and to hear that you are so happy! I can’t tell you how much of a weight off my shoulders it is to hear that! We can be friends now! Yay!

Take care,
Sarah

PS – Yes of course I am still working! I’m sure you’ll find something soon. Just remember to cast your net wide and not to limit your horizons! No job is demeaning if it means you can finally stop asking your mother for rent money at 24!

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Mon, May 19, 2009 at 6:20 PM
subject		re:oops

Hey Sarah,

Thank you so much for your support. I am totally at a point now, and I don’t want this to sound rude, but I’m at a point where we can be friends. Those “feelings” are in the past so let’s just have some fun already! It’s summer! Let’s see a movie this week sometime, eh? I think it could be fun. I’m feeling really mature these days and am totally ready to pal around with you.

Talk soon,

from	Sarah Ann Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Wed, May 20, 2009 at 2:11 PM
subject		re: oops

Oh, Mike,

I think it’s really just so fantastic that we are at a point where we both just want to be friends, and nothing more. Truth be told, I was quite worried this break up would destroy you.

I would love to see a movie together, as friends. It would be so exciting! What about this Saturday? Maybe a matinee? What would you want to see? I heard they have finally made a movie adaptation of that BBC television series “Recompense at Whittlesborough Abbey” that we used to watch. This is so exciting! It’s like, now that we are friends, we can have all the best parts of our old relationships distilled without any of the stuff that made me cringe!

As for my love life, oh dear–I wouldn’t even know where to start! God, that makes me sound like a total slut, doesn’t it? Even though I know now it wouldn’t hurt you to hear it, I think I’ll keep my mouth shut. Some of this stuff I think I would feel dirty even just saying it out loud!

See you Saturday?
Sarah <3

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Wed, May 20, 2009 at 11:54 PM
subject		re: oops

I have tho questions for you.

One: does my heart taste good?
Two: does my soul burn as it travels down your throat?
What else goes down your throat these days?

I can’t believe you would drag me back to this pettiness. Why? I nam fine without you but then there you were doing the same old bullshit that happened in our bullshit relationship that honestly II wanted to dump you for so long but didn’t thin you’d be able to handle it. You are weak. And that’s ok. Just accept it. I did you a favour.

Jeez. Let’s be friends. I want that so badly. Last night I met a girl and I went to her place and we kissed so much then I spooned her so well and she kissed me back.

I may be drunk but I know one thing for sure. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Take me back!!!!!!

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 2:1o AM
subject		re: oops

SLUT!!!!!!111

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

from	Michael Richards
to
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 4:53 AM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DSC02345.JPG
164K View Download

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 10:49 AM
subject		re: oops

Sure thing, a movie Saturday sounds great.
-M

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 10:51 AM
subject		re:oops

Oh shit wait

re: oops

frankandbeanz — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:16:12 +0000

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 14, 2009 at 8:45 PM
subject		oops

All the Best,

Sarah

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Fri, May 15, 2009 at 2:35 PM
subject		re: oops

-Michael

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Sat, May 16, 2009 at 7:43 PM
subject		re: oops

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Sat, May 16, 2009 at 7:45 pM
subject		re: oops

Oh hi Sarah,

So hop on the boat, Sarah, and let’s sail together! I am totally riding on a pretty happy boat right now and it’s always eeger for new pasengers!

How are you? Still working retail? I’m sure it’s not THAT bad. Cheer up.

Love always,

Mike

from	Sarah Anne Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Sun, May 17, 2009 at 5:07 PM
subject		re: 00ps

So good to hear from you and to hear that you are so happy! I can’t tell you how much of a weight off my shoulders it is to hear that! We can be friends now! Yay!

Take care,
Sarah

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Mon, May 19, 2009 at 6:20 PM
subject		re:oops

Hey Sarah,

Talk soon,

from	Sarah Ann Cardinal
to		michael.m.richards@gmail.com
date		Wed, May 20, 2009 at 2:11 PM
subject		re: oops

Oh, Mike,

I think it’s really just so fantastic that we are at a point where we both just want to be friends, and nothing more. Truth be told, I was quite worried this break up would destroy you.

See you Saturday?
Sarah <3

from	Michael M. Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Wed, May 20, 2009 at 11:54 PM
subject		re: oops

I have tho questions for you.

One: does my heart taste good?
Two: does my soul burn as it travels down your throat?
What else goes down your throat these days?

Jeez. Let’s be friends. I want that so badly. Last night I met a girl and I went to her place and we kissed so much then I spooned her so well and she kissed me back.

I may be drunk but I know one thing for sure. I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Take me back!!!!!!

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 2:1o AM
subject		re: oops

SLUT!!!!!!111

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

from	Michael Richards
to
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 4:53 AM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DSC02345.JPG
164K View Download

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 10:49 AM
subject		re: oops

Sure thing, a movie Saturday sounds great.
-M

from	Michael Richards
to		imsosarah@gmail.com
date		Thu, May 21, 2009 at 10:51 AM
subject		re:oops

Oh shit wait

How to be a Chatbug®: General Advice for Dating Online

frankandbeanz — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 11:35:28 +0000

To Blinky,

I recently met a young lady at a party and we really hit it off. We talked for nearly two hours about a variety of subjects—- our favourite tv shows, the last baseball season, and we really bonded over the way that certain smells can remind you of a certain memory (tapioca always reminds me of a summer I spent working at car repair shop).

So things seemed to go really well with this girl, and we even promised each other that we would keep in touch. I asked her for her phone number and she burst out laughing and said, “You use those things?” I looked like such a fool, I could have killed myself right there. She then informed me that if I wanted to contact her I should “chat” with her online.

I signed up for a “chat” account with Microsoft and added her right away. We have “chatted” a few times online, but none of it has compared to that in-person conversation we first had at that party. How can I recapture the magic of our real-life conversation online? What do I do!?

Thanks a lot,
Hoping to be a chatbug

Dear Hopping,

While I would like to help you, your statement has sent my mind running off on so many tangents and in so many different directions, I feel that any chance of a cohesive answer on my part is quickly “Hopping away”.

Where can I even start with you? To be blunt: there is no chance that you will ever be able to foster a relationship of any kind with the woman in question.
Your first (and most enormous) mistake was talking to this girl face to face, a practice considered so barbaric and archaic by our modern times that you might as well have slugged her with a mammoth leg, slung her around your shoulder and dragged her off into a cave to rape her over a newly-discovered fire. Furthermore, your asking after a “phone number” is as confusing as it is anachronistic: you are neanderthal wielding an astrolabe. Mentioning phones is like exiting an expressway to a sexual suburb — its a turn off.

For our hyper-modern times, there is only one mode of communication: Chat. All other mediums are outmoded, outdated, and offensive. Think teen hearthrob Jonathon Taylor Thomas asks for phone numbers? Think he talks to girls to their face? Wrong. He chats. How do I know? I am chatting with him right now (and he says: “SUP HOPPY”)
Here is why it is impossible for you to “recapture the magic of your real-life conversation” online: Magic doesn’t exist. It’s hogwash, poppycock, hokum horsefeathers. What you thought you experienced as “magic of real-life conversation” was just the chemical reaction of explosions in your brain because both of you were inevitably riddled with insurmountable personal anxieties and a crippling fear of a lifetime of loneliness.
Chatwise, the only advice I can give you is: Add her, block her, meet someone else online, and move forward.

Blinky,

The Chat Maven

The Right Honourable Blinky,

I feel I must introduce myself to you properly. My name is Reginald Vel Johnson the 3rd. I am what many refer to as a “lady’s man.” I have no difficulty meeting and bedding women of all shapes, sizes, colours, ages, shapes, kingdoms and creeds. Recently I have begun worrying that the interest I receive from ladies may be due to a) my incredible good looks, or b) my royal lineage.

A jester in my court told me about this new “chat” phenomenon. Normally I would not pay attention to the words of such a commoner, but this is an ambitious young jester and I do not believe he would steer me wrong, for fear of demotion or beheading. He told me that online chatting is one way to tell if a woman is truly interested in you. In the online world, all we have is words, correct?

How do I acquaint myself with the chat world? How do I meet women in this universe? Do you have any chat numbers of women that I can type at?

Much appreciated.

Yours in perpetuity,

RVJ III
The Kingdom of Tsultu

Cherished Regibald,

I offer a sincere welcome to the world of chat-dating. While this might appear a distant, futuristic, alien and hostile land to a man of your caliber and time period, there is no need to feel threatened or overwhelmed. There are a few simple steps that even the newest of beginners can follow to ensure that the girls you woo are quickly bitten by your chatbug.

First, a note on history: Chat-dating has its precedents in the Victorian Period, with the culture of letters. Men would court women from a distance, using only the power of their words to the point where the pen became the sword, all as a device used to mask their homosexuality or undersized genitalia. This was the behavioural norm for men and women until 1911, when the world ran out of envelopes and quills.

It is certain that have already heard the common expression for spending leisure time browsing sites on the internet, “weaving the web”. Men often weave the web when looking for world news, statistics about sports, videos of women demeaning themselves, and jokes about golf. This popular and useful expression can also be extended as a metaphor for your talking to girls online. Using chat, a man will carefully weave a web of deceit in which he catch women (the “chatbugs”). It is for this reason that men are most commonly referred to as “webmasters” and “metacrawlers”. As an exercise, try spinning a trap of instant messages from which it would be impossible for a woman to escape.

Sounds simple enough, you might tell yourself. But how does one “weave the web”?
Nowadays, men use phrases (“What is your ass size?”), acronyms (TIAAAS -That Is An Acceptable Ass Size”), symbols (8===> –glasses, a very long nose and a smiling mouth, to indicate that the other is lying about their ass size, but that ultimately you find this amusing and not angersome) and “Links” (generally to the website with the largest collection of ass and ass-related images). Next time you are weaving the web, scouring for links to send to your fishing partner or workbuddy, keep an eye out for links to send to chatbugs. If no chatbugs are online, earmark the links and save them for later.

Finally, I would like to congratulate you for taking this step, and welcome you to the future of dating. May the bells of victorious chat forever chime in the Toottie Kingdom.

Blinky

Hey,
These last couple days I’ve been chatting with this girl, and its been going pretty smoothly so far. I was even thinking of asking her if she wanted to chat with my parents. But now I’m starting to suspect that she has a boyfriend. We will be chatting and every so often she will let something slip like “Hold on, I have to text my boyfriend” or “Did I mention that I have a boyfriend?” What should I do? I am very lonely. Do you think I should tell her how lonely I am in the hopes that she will feel bad for me and break up with her boyfriend out of pity?

Thanks,

Seeking advice.

Seeping,
Always be in control. Girls like to know that they are not the only bird in your gun’s target. If a girl says “I have a boyfriend”, come back with “No problem, I have five girlfriends.” Never let anyone know how lonely you are. One of the most common questions for a girl to ask when chatting online is “When was the last time you had sex?” Don’t be afraid to stretch the truth. Is kissing sex? Is masturbation sex? In a way, yes: masturbation is a sexual act. So when, online, a girl asks you: When was the last time you had sex? The answer is always “I am having sex right now”.

Yours for now,
Blinky the chatstar

Bear Dinky,

First of all, a big thanks from Whitby Ontario for all of your great advice concerning the realm of chattery. Your selfless act is truly appreciated.

I come to you with a slightly embarrassing question. I suffer from what is know as CD, or, “chat dysfunction.” I am a pretty good chatter, and girls like to chat with me, but it seems like whenever our chats are moving forward into a slightly flirtatious or romantic territory, I always ejaculate my chats prematurely. I’ll look up at the chatbox and see that I’ve sent 40 messages while the chat-lady in question has only sent 2. I usually have no memory of any of these chats sent and often many of them are vulgar and shameful. I have ruined many chat relationships because of this problem. Even when they are not shameful or vulgar, I have ruined the chat like a fat child would ruin a day on the see-saw. I believe the girls feel overwhelmed and perhaps like I am spending too much time paying attention to them, like a fat child who pays attention only to his food and not to his friends who want to have a fun day on the see-saw.

What can I do? How can I force the moment to its good result without forcing the moment to its crisis?

Thanks a lot,

Shemp

Shrimpy,
A lot of guys e-mail me, with the similar questions about how much chat is appropriate for one girl, wondering what the proper you-them ratio should be, and worrying that they are disrupting the sexual flow by bombarding girls with constant messages. I’ll tell you what I’ve told everyone else: Premature E-chatulation is an overdiagnosed problem. Men are supposed to take the chatbull by the horns, this is a fact of scientific biology. Men who worry about not giving women the appropriate response time are spindly fairy children who should start questioning their sexuality.

It is important to remember the Golden Rule of internet seduction: A.B.C. (Always be chatting). ALWAYS be chatting. Chat at all times–while at work, while at home, while working from home, while eating dinner. Use your iPhone to chat during transit. It is the simplest rule and one that people often forget. There is no instant way to become a chat Casanova, one can only improve ones muster by constantly shaping the craft. (Helpful tip: Maximize your time by having 5-10 chat windows open at once. This will greatly improve your abilities while also delaying your response time within individual chats, should that matter still concern you.)

One important thing to do is distinguish between genuine chat and idle prattle. Girls can immediately tell the difference, they smell it instinctively. If, online, you are prattling away like an elderly man waiting at a bus stop to die, you will likely scare away girls like an elderly man might scare away his grandchildren. If, however, you are chatting out hit after solid gold hit, then the silence on their parts means something else entirely. It means you’ve won the chat. Girls love winners.
So have confidence. If your chat is good and your game is on, then 40 consecutive chat messages followed by complete silence is a best case scenario.

Always Blinking,

Blinky

Blinky
What is the percentage of internet chats that blossom into physical relationships?
Curious,
Blip
Blimp,

To be honest, an exact percentage is hard to determine, but the number is almost negligible. I haven’t yet had any internet chat relationships become real relationships, and when you start plugging “zeros” into calculators the numbers get all wumbly. I suppose to adequately answer your question I would have to get someone who is better at math.

Calling out from Chatman’s World,

Blinky

Have any questions about the Internet that you would like Frank ‘n Beanz to answer? Send all questions, comments, queries and spam to franklinandbean@gmail.com. We will answer every e-mail.