From More Sensible Cuisine by Victoria Banksley, OBE
In keeping with the modern tradition of bestowing frivolous names upon themed recipes, my editors have encouraged me to imbue this crepe recipe with a motherly theme. It can be sensibly enjoyed at any time of the year, by non-mothers and even non-females. It is best enjoyed alongside [...]
Tags:catastrophes·clowns·clowns everywhere·cooking·crepes·Mother's Day·recipes·tender loving crepes
By: Dr. Dale Wiesenfield, Theoretical Physicist
Fools! What new streak of thoughtless mongrelism is this, Yum! Brands Inc.? In your increasingly indelicate quest to render food faster, crunchier, and by all informed accounts more delicious, you have exceeded the boundaries of constancy erected by nature Herself. This newest luncheon novelty of yours, this so-named Wrapstar, stands in direct [...]
Tags:apocalyptic snack design·Chaos theory·KFC·Knowing·Pepsi Co.·Taco Bell·the Urvogel·Theoretical physics·Wrapstar
Haagen Dazs Vanilla Bean -
Can’t go wrong with Haagen Dazs, it’s the classic elite ice cream that never gets old. A little expensive, so you probably won’t be eating it every day (unless you are rich) but its a real treat when you do get a chance. My parents told me that when I was [...]
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To Whom It May Delight,
I am writing w/r/t your fascinating contest, whereby your speciality cable network has invited an openly democratic selection of the latest Haagen-Dazs ice cream novelty. As an applicant to the M.A. programme in Social and Political thought at York University with a B.A. (Honours) in General Studies at McGill University, and [...]
Tags:critical theory·grad school·how sweet ice cream is·Michel Foucault·retardation
Direct-mail copy drafted by: John Semley
Inferis Memorabilia Online is a trusted, quality-oriented retailer specializing in the finest Cosa Nostra and more nonspecifically organized crime collectibles and interior decorating solutions. Finally, with Inferis Memorabilia Online’s Italo-American line of framed, top-matted, wood-mounted or value-laminated posters and art prints, you can attract more customers to your Italian-style eatery, [...]
As shilled for by “Honest” Edward “Boffotrenko”, truth-teller extraordinaire
LISTLESS? GASSY? UNPOPULAR WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOICE?
PONY UP, JUNIOR!
DOCTOR BOFFO’S MIRACLE MASH is the MIRACLE MASH of the future. Scientifically tested for flim-flams and boondoggles, MIRACLE MASH cures ailments not yet known to medicine! When your future self lies dying of [...]
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by LEE TIPTON and EDWARD PETRENKO
Diet Coke: Here’s to good friends, first loves, and the ever-widening chasm of time separating you from them.
Jolt Cola. It’s 4 AM… who are you kidding? Between your prostate and your bitch wife, you’re not getting to sleep any time soon anyway.
Labatt Wildcat: Your youth may be a faded memory… [...]
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By MAX HARTSHORN
La Belle Province, or should I say Provence? Its very name evokes images of that hallowed region of southern France: the fields of marjoram and lavender, the plush landscapes of Cezanne and Gogh, and the equally luxurious wines of Bandol and Cassis. I’ll admit, it was longing for those lost months spent [...]
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By EDWARD PETRENKO and LEE TIPTON
Alright, shitty beer: You and I both know that all the beer stores are closed, and Darlene’s sure as shit not letting us back in the house anytime soon. So it’s just me and you now.
What’s that? You think that just because you taste like shit I’m not going to [...]
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By EVAN MILLAR
Fat? Me? Ha. You gotta be kidding. I can bench 250. Without trying. On a bad day.
Catch me on a good day, when I am trying. I could probably lift a small car. Think a fat guy could do that? Don’t think so.
Typically, I work out 5 days a week. But not because [...]
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