I know what it looks like, officer. But that’s just it – what it looks like. Have you ever heard of Korzybski?
You see, Korzybski was a linguist. A real cunning linguist, if you know what I mean – woff woff woff, arooo? Actually, what I mean is, he realized that the word “to be” is [...]
Tags:bribery·community college·crazy on the outside·drunk driving·i'm not really here·quantum mechanics·tim allen
Why do we drink light lime beer? You’re actually asking us why we purchase, transport, drink and enjoy light lime beers? Why we, as self-respecting, subculturally-savvy twentysomethings, are unsarcastically swigging Miller Chill and Bud Light Lime? Because they’re delicious, because we’re mortal, and because we’re through letting questions like that be answered for us.
We’re putting [...]
Tags:aging·Al Bundy·bud light lime·Dads·having children just so you have a legitimate outlet for your irritation·mid-life crisis·Miller Chill·quarter-life crisis·shits not given·the unreflected life sounds pretty sweet·third-life crisis
Amateur Magician, Father Disappears
By Walter Wynn, Staff Reporter/Apprentice Diabolist
Amazing news out of Cobourg, Ontario this month, fellow illusionists! In a feat of hocus-pocus derring-do, area father and journeyman magician Dave O’Brien vanished from the living room of his Walnut Lane bungalow. According to reports from the audience in attendance, the 46-year-old Cobourg diviner disappeared, as [...]
Tags:deadbeat dads·fatherhood·how to be a better dad·how to be a better magician·magic·magicians·Ontario locations·parenting·parenting tips·sorcery·unionized labour
Alright listen up you peckerheads. I know you’re all just Ditran-induced hallucinations and I don’t know who’s talking, me or the Glenlivet, but fuck it all to hell. I am the Glenlivet. So you yella pricks listen to me and you listen hard. That cocksucking bank’s had it good for too long. And we’re taking [...]
Tags:arson·drinking·drunks·masculinity·real men·Rip Torn·robbery·robbing a bank·testicles
QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC – A local man has spoken of his inner torment after discovering his long-lost father is actually a notorious pirate.
Five years ago Michel St. Pierre, 38, was informed that he had been adopted as an infant. After hearing the news, he became determined to reconnect with his [...]
Tags:Frank & Beanz
Dear Mr. Maddock and Mr. Wilson,
I recently received and reviewed your spec script for your proposed film Busy Dad. I must say, I am very impressed with your work. It shows definite potential. I agree with you that in this, the late 1980s, many fathers are overly busy with commitments to their lives as working [...]
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Hey there, where you headed?
Great! Me too! Hop in!
What time is it now, 11:30? What’s a kid your age doing hitchhiking at this hour? Heck, what’s a kid your age doing hitchhiking?
…well, fair enough – we’ve all got problems. Even me.
Oh, sorry. My name’s… name’s Bill. Bill Collins.
Yeah, I get that all the time. [...]
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Greetings, child. It is I, your father. Come, sit down, and read what I have to tell you.
Aware as I am of your recent dabblings in history, alternative history, alternativity and guilt, I have decided, child, to rationally and pre-emptively answer the questions you will undoubtedly have within a matter of weeks. You may feel [...]
Tags:alternative history·conservative·dad·heritage·History·Joseph Conrad·massacres·private school·racism
Kids, sit down. Okay, we’re all here? Gary? Lindsay? Gary? Sorry again about the name, second Gary – totally slipped my mind. Well, you keep saving up that allowance, and you can make it whatever you want! Yup! …no, not Pikachu. They don’t let you name yourself Pikachu. That’s just a rule, I don’t know.
Anyways, [...]
Tags:childhood trauma·Christmas·dad·Dads·divorce·Kideo·lies·parenting·Santa Claus·talking to kids