We’re putting our quarter-life crises behind us, and getting ready for our third-life crises. We’re long enough out of school and far enough from a real job that our parents just tell our grandparents that we’re “doing fine” in the city we’re in. Time was, all our free time was party time. We’ve still got the free time – we just don’t really party. We’re learning about food allergies instead. We wouldn’t know where to get pot if we tried. We haven’t seen shrooms since that guy with the stupid jacket went to do his master’s at Queen’s. We’re completely out of the mind-blowing loop. But we’ve got a hookup for Miller Chill. We’ve got a hookup for Bud Light Lime.

We’re hitting a stride, an ontological groove. To wit, we haven’t really cared about ontology since we last found pot. But our Facebook profiles are getting sleek, lean, and efficient – no overshares, decent privacy, and distinct tones, voices and types of links posted. We chit chat on Facebook, but we get real on Gmail chat – we know to keep that Gchat box exclusive. We know our sites, we’ve got our morning log-on routines, and we haven’t been caught off-guard by the news in five years. We haven’t had the great epiphanies we hoped would set us on our paths and get us up in the morning. But we’ve stayed up ’til 6 at a friend’s parents’ cottage, bonding over that. We were drunk on Miller Chill. We were drunk on Bud Light Lime.

We don’t own homes. We don’t see ourselves owning homes for another decade at least. We don’t even have a driver’s license. But we’ve accumulated enough bargain furniture to fill most of a bedroom and one third of a living room. Our DVD and record collections are now comprehensive enough to speak for our personalities, so our personalities don’t have to speak for themselves. We’ve thrown out the band posters that aren’t aesthetically justified in hanging on our walls, and when we find a ratty old soft-core porn poster at a garage sale, we only put it up for a week before quietly putting it in storage. When we sit drinking in our barely-tasteful, mostly empty apartments, we don’t want tasteful beer to throw them in stark relief. We want Miller Chill. We want Bud Light Lime.

We’re more stylish than we were five years ago, but we’re fatter too. If we can grow a beard, we’ve got one. If we can’t, we’ve deleted the pictures of our attempts. Yeah, we still troll for sex, but it’s getting to be a bit of a chore. We’re not scared of girls, but we’re dismissively misanthropic in the wake of undergrad. We’re horny, but we recognize the value of a good night’s sleep. We’ve taken “A Man Needs A Maid” at face value once or twice. But in spite of all our creeping curmudgeonliness, we know we’ll get fed up with trolling soon enough and want a girlfriend again before winter comes. And when we groan our way out of our roommate’s La-Z-Boy to look for her, we’ll steel ourselves with Miller Chill. We’ll steel ourselves with Bud Light Lime.

We’ve found our faults, we know where our weaknesses lie, we know what we’ll work on, and we know what we just won’t be bothered to change. We’re through bettering ourselves for betterment’s own sake and we’re taking virtue on an issue by issue basis. We know that life is short and grows shorter every day, and if someone wants to call us out for drinking a light lime beer, they can go right the fuck ahead. We know what single malt tastes like and we’ve seen the bottom of a Big 10%. We’ve followed bro drinking rules, we’ve comported ourselves to snob drinking traditions, and we’ve seen what those pettinesses do to people who follow them too long or too far. If we want a drink brewed a mile underground by straight-edge scientists who dispassionately engineered a beer that, on paper, is all you want in a beer if you could only bring yourself to drink it, then we’re gonna get it. If we’re not too broke, natch. We know ourselves well enough that, at long last, we can really, truly tell other people to fuck off. We’re not dads, and odds are good that we never will be, but life has brewed us full of dad flavour without the bitter parenthood aftertaste. So say your peace, you jackass, and let us watch Cops reruns in peace. We’re dead in fifty years anyways. Forty if we drink Miller Chill. Forty if we drink Bud Light Lime.

Well for whatever reason we here at Terminal Laughter are sure glad he did. Cause if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be here today! That’s right, we’re his laugh babies!

As many a corporate pamphlet will recount, the very first Terminal Laughter “Laugh Nut” was published in 1904 on old-timey newsprint. Legend has it Terminal only had enough money to pay for 12 copies, so he borrowed a set of carrier pidgeons and sent them off to 12 of the top comedians at the time. Comedy greats such as Edward A. Kerfufflefeather, Goofy Father Paxton, Mad Cap Zaplan and The Great Boob!

The stunt paid off when Terminal’s uniquely aggressive brand of humor caught the eye of part-time comedian and oil tycoon Snubs McGoon. McGoon agreed to finance the journal (renamed “Jourmenal Laughter”) in exchange for a 65% cut of his jib, which he reportedly liked. The Jourmenal’s comedic sensibility centered around a single defining principle: “Laughter Through Coercion.” Laughter was commonly achieved through the use of direct commands (e.g. “You There! Laugh!”). Trickery was also employed (e.g. “I’ll pay you 10 dollars if you laugh right now”) and at times violent threats.

The shtick, while simple, struck a cord with Canadians put off by the turn-of-the-century decadence, and increasingly stringent anti-trust legislature. By 1907 Terminal and McGoon were regular household names, with “The Laugh Chaps” selling over 450 copies of their magazine per anum (quite a large number when adjusted for inflation).

But the success was to be short-lived. By 1909, changing social mores and an increasing general awareness of “humor” were beginning to alter the comedic landscape. People just couldn’t be coerced into laughing like they used to, and Terminal had to resort to increasingly extreme means to gain their attention/apporval.

“A joke is a joke is a joke is a joke!” Snubs McGoon famously told reporters after Terminal was arrested on 3 counts of “murdering mischief” on March 22, 1910, reportedly beating his victims to death with a tire iron when they refused to laugh after numerous threats. The next day McGoon folded the magazine and severed all ties with the comedy business. Terminal was summarily sentenced to death.

…and for 97 years we waited

…and waited

…and waited

Until in 2007 Toronto area varnish distributor Ted Chucklewicz purchased the brand from McGoon’s great granddaughter (Snubs IV), mistaking the name for Terminal Lacquer. When Ted realized he had inadvertently gained control of one of the oldest and most violent comedy institutions in the country, he saw an opportunity.

Jokes sell. History sells. Controversy sells.

He hired 5 university-style graduates willing to work for free and set them to work generating search engine friendly, “comedy-themed” content. Together we transformed Terminal Laughter from a historical anecdote into a successful internet business now worth over $3.07! (estimated AdSense earnings)

It’s been one hell of a ride, but it’s all been worth it. I can vouch for that…I’m Ted Chucklewicz!

So go ahead, enjoy our site! Laugh! Now! Ha ha!

Ted Chucklewicz circa last years Christmas party...amirite?

Mangasm™

Mangasm™

Mangasm™

Are you tired of the same old borgasm day in day out? 7 seconds in penis-heaven not quite cuttin’ it? What if I told you that in 5 minutes you could double, triple, quadruple the length and intensity of your orgasm? What if I said that with a few weeks practice, you could be coming for hours, even days?

Got you’re attention huh. Here’s another thing I’ve got: Mangasm™.

Huh? What’s he talking about? Where am I? What?

Mangasm™ is not a drug! It’s not a tube OR pump! What I’ve got here are a few simple techniques (and one ancient secret ) that anyone can master. It’s natural, fun and GUARANTEED to lift you to knew heights of manly pleasure.

Here’s the deal. I used to be an ordinary Joe Boner™ like yourself. Then one day I lost my job, had my car explode, and my girlfriend left me for a rock star! Things were looking pretty bleak. Then I discovered a way to have over 9 orgasms in sequence. Who’s laughing now?

Ha! Me that’s who!

Go on try it. You know what I’m talking about. Do it right now, I’ll wait. Show me watcha got. Come on now, don’t be shy, I’m not actually watching you….

…oh you’re finished? You had to stop everything you were doing just for that? Yawn! I can teach you how to Multi-Task-Gasm™. I can even show you how to do two orgasms at once!

Fuck, I’m gasming even as I write this. In fact I spend over 23% of my day in orgasm, and you can too! My ebook and accompanying Blu-Ray DVD have brought literally 1000s of men to Mangasm™.

Yeah that’s right, I said Blu-Ray DVD. When you enroll in Mangasm University™ you get the real deal. Learn the secrets about the male orgasm “big-condom” doesn’t want you to hear. Learn techniques you never even thought of, plus one ancient secret that will BLOW YOUR……………MIND

FACT: The average male orgasm lasts for 6.8 seconds. (Hey I’ve had farts longer than that! thbthbhthbththbbbththbth)

SUPPOSITION: The prostate…not the penis…is the most erogenous zone in the body.

HEARSAY: The longest orgasm ever recorded lasted 86 years, 3 months and 2 days. It was passed down over 3 generations from father to son to grandson and produced enough “substance” to germinate an entire Assyrian Horde™.

(Well if that’s the stuff they give away for free imagine what you get when you pay!)

I’ll tell you what you get. You get over 16 hours of devilishly novel content. You get “boot camp style” personalized instruction to help you overcome your fears, identify your Pleasure Portfolio™, and craft your very own YOURNAMEHERE-GASM EXPERIENCE™.

And best of all you get complete hands-on access to the forums where you can share your newfound knowledge and glory with fellow Mangasmonauts™.

Come join the Man-Revolution-Gasm™!

Push yourself to new limits of pleasure!

Experience the zen-like™ power of one!

——————————————–Testimonials——————————————–

“Dear Mangasm,

Hi, my name is Andy, I’m 22 years old, and when it comes to gasming I used to be hopeless, helpless and clueless. I would experience nothing but failure. All the right things you’re supposed to do, I naturally did the exact opposite. I was the ultimate loser/wussy and I’d only had 1 orgasm when I was 18 and it lasted for about 6 seconds. Since I came across Mangasm a couple months ago, my life has been gradually changing in the most amazing ways so powerfully and almost supernaturally that it feels like I’m Steve Erckle transforming into Brad Pitt. I feel like I’m finally beginning to understand my true potential and it’s both fun and a little scary.

If you wanna learn how to build beautiful orgasms with the power of your own mind then I heartily recommend enrolling in Mangasm University ”

J.D. Sacramento, CA

“Big meeting with the Lerhman account last Thursday, we’re talking make or break here. Not just the execs either, they sent their lawyers, accountants, fuck there was even a guy from HR. I didn’t play any funny stuff, no gimmicks, just straight up grade-A bullshit start to finish. When I knew I had them I pulled out the big fat contract, they pulled out a big fat check. Christ you should’ve seen the look on Jim’s face, he could have blown his load right there. Little did they know I was already blowing my load, and had been for the past 6 hours. Your techniques gave me the confidence I needed to keep my cool, stay focused and get the job done.

Hears to you MG.”

T.Q. Chicago, IL

“Congratulations Mangasm for all the success you’ve been having. You’ve earned it!”

G.R. Victoria, BC

Alright staff—wait. Naw. I hate that word “staff” you know? Makes us sound like we’re a bunch of Bay Street bigwigs. Or like we’re that thing that one Ninja Turtle used to carry. Which one was it? The Purple One. Raphael? Whatever.Corporate asks me to address you as “staff” but fuck that. I like “team” better. Makes us sound like we’re the 92-93 Jays. Molitor. Borders. Henderson. Alomar. You feelin’ me, team?

Sprauge.

So team, the holidays are just around the corner, and for those of you who’re new here—‘sup Jess?—this is the time when we make something like all of our revenue. Revenue is just a fancy word for money, but you don’t have to worry about that. What you do have to think about is like “Yo, how am I going to sell this holiday season?”  and “Yo, how much of it am I going to sell?” You’ve all have seen The Wire, right? Sick show. So dope. So it’s like imagine you’re part of the Barksdale crew right? ‘Cept instead of slinging rock you’re moving like Norah Jones CDs. So if some cat rolls up to your corner and is all “Yo, you got that new Norah Jones CD?” play it cool like “Yeah man, disc’stight” And then like pull that classic move from the corner where you up-sell them the double disc with extra tracks, a bonus DVD, and fold-out poster. Or if someone’s buying a Titanic DVD, try and sell them the Diamond Edition that comes with all the rare Titanic pictures. Easy, right? It’s just about chilling out, and being attentive to the customer’s needs.

So basically, if you’re working an eight-hour shift, you need to be attentive to the customer’s needs 61.8 times, assuming that the average transaction is +/- $34.17. On that, it’d be ideal if we could boost the average transaction to somewhere in the $37 dollar range, but don’t sweat that right now. The key is vertical selling. Let’s say some guy comes in and he’s after like, whatever, the new MF Doom album. Hook him up, right? But don’t stop there. Try being like “Oh you like hip-hop and rap? Have you heard the new Fifty triple-disc Deluxe Edition package. It’s the shit.” But don’t actually swear. Obviously.

It’s important to be casual. But not too casual. I mean when people come into one of our 118 locations nationwide, they expect a relaxed, chilled-out and most importantly uniform corporate identity. We’re a record store, yeah? So people know that we’re not going to be impressed by them. But don’t be like a huge dick about it. Shoot more for Ethan Embry in Empire Records than Jack Black in High Fidelity. Whatever your angle, remember that basic algorithms of choice architecture dictate that you can pre-arrange a default outcome by presenting choices along certain organizational axes.

It sounds retarded, but it’s true.

Another thing to keep in mind is to be nice to the customer. That’s why people choose our chain. Sure, they could drive out to Wal-Mart to save a few bucks on the new Foo Fighters Greatest Hits comp. But they come here because they know we have the know-how. Because they know we’re all total music nerds. And they like that. And we like that.

But what’s the difference between a total music nerd and an employable music nerd? Anyone? Andy? Jamal? That’s right. An employable music nerds know how to close. Closing’s tricky. And apart from figuring out the shipping/receiving software, it’ll probably be the toughest part of your job. But let me break it down.

When a customer strolls in here, don’t think of them as a stranger. They’re not just dicking around. Except for maybe the schizo bro in the Labatt’s Blue hat who comes in every morning like the law of fucking gravity to pick up the same Peter Gabriel album, sob loudly and then leave, or the elementary kids who crash the place at lunch to play the free X-BOX demos and don’t buy shit. Apart from them, people are here because they want to buy. They need to buy. All you need to do is close it, yo.

There’s a few basic s strategies here that I’d like to see you guys floss out there. You can try the either/or route. Like make the only option either/or. Like “Oh you’re looking for the new Norah Jones CD? Do you want the basic, bare-bones disc at $14.99 or are you after the double disc with extra tracks, a bonus DVD, and fold-out poster for only $19.99?” Trickier to pull off is a move called “The Duke of Wellington Close” or as I like to call it, “The Duke.” Basically what you’re doing here is spinning negatives into positives, like “Yeah that Norah Jones double disc with extra tracks, a bonus DVD, and fold-out poster is five bucks more, but I mean these are tracks you won’t even find on the Internet.” In fact, anytime any target is sweating about price, just be all “true, but it’s ‘cos this shit ain’t even on the ‘Net” or something like that. But again, no cursing. You all know that, though. Right?

Another technique is to compliment them. Saying stuff like “Oh, dope kicks” or peeping someone’s tee and being all “Hey man, you like Shellac? Me too, man.” Once you’ve earned their trust with a bit of empty fawning, swoop in with more advanced moves, like the Sullivan Nod, or as I call it, “Da Sully.” All you have to do is, when you’re going through a list of products, subtly nod you’re head ten of fifteen degrees when you say the product you want them to buy, generally the most expensive or something listed in the System under 09CAM promo codes. This works a lot of the time, ‘cos you like get inside their brain all unconsciously and can totally make ‘em buy something they wouldn’t have thought of buying. It’s like total Frasier Crane shit. Yo, Meagan, write that down and e-mail it to me later. “The Crane Technique.” Mine.

I know this sounds like a lot of corporate shit, and a lot of it is. It’s just like the RM and the Divisional Manager are all “Yo Ryan, like we need you say this shit” and I’m like “Whatever” ‘cos I know you guys are the best. I know we got the best team in our division ‘cos you guys are all wicked cool and know like a shit-ton about music and CDs, and if any team can meet a projected quarterly gross of +$485,000, I know it’s you guys. Y’all are little, skinny-jean wearing Dave Winfields.

So yo, let’s all just chill out for a bit. There’s some pop, pizza and dipping sauce in the back. Do it up. You’ve earned it. Fifteen minutes then let’s get started on inventory. Batter up.

What the fuck, Craig? When did you even get here? Put that party tray down. Pizza’s for closers.

FROM: John Semley, Chief Scout in Charge of Locations, PUNNY TALKS PRODUCTIONS LTD.

RE: Taping for upcoming season of CTV’s POKERFACE

Dated: 07/29/2009

Attn: Residents,

This is just a friendly notice that your neighbourhood is being used as a filming location for the upcoming season of the CTV’s new crime drama POKERFACE. Filming will be taking place in the surrounding of the intersections of Bloor St. and Euclid Ave, from approx. 07/31/2009-08/06/2009 including filming in local Korean Yum-E BBQ restos. While we, the producers, apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we invite you to come out and enjoy the filming of POKERFACE.

Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.s)

In cognito ergo sum: Yannick Bison goes under deep cover in POKERFACE

POKERFACE (all caps) is the new crime drama set to air on the CTV this fall season. Starring veteran Canadian actor Yannick Bison, POKERFACE follows the adventures of Bill “Pokerface” Bilodeau, a former World Poker Tour champ turned professional lie detector. It’s like David Simon meets a poker game. Using the skills he acquired at the card table, Pokerface has left the glitz and glamour of the Las Vegas showroom to pursue his first love: law enforcement. And his second love: a woman. When Canada’s most dangerous crooks try to pull a fast one on the boys in blue, the Bluff Springs Police Department have an ace up their sleeve: POKERFACE!

Just what exactly are Detective Pokerface’s powers?

As a professional card sharp, Pokerface is able to identify “tells” (a subtle change in behaviour) in criminal suspects. Sgt. Pokerface is more of a free agent, or “wild card”, working in tandem with the police to gauge the veracity of sworn statements, confessions, tip-offs and any other information that may prove useful in the apprehension of robbers, knaves, shysters and sundry other felons. As a professional card sharp, Pokerface also has access to the city’s largest array of costumes, and thus proves invaluable as an undercover agent. Yes Pokerface is a true chameleon, as he dons all manner of hat, goatee and sunglass combinations in order to infiltrate the seediest bad seeds of the city’s criminal element. As a professional card sharp, he also possesses the gift of gab, able to “psyche out” suspects into confessing. Even when they are innocent! In short: Pokerface sees your regular Tuesday night programming as raises you INTRIGUE!

This sounds a lot like that new Tim Roth show on Fox.

Good question. Though two of a kind in several mostly superficial ways, there are some similarities. Fox’s Lie to Me stars Tim Roth as a professional human lie detector (not a thing), where POKERFACE stars Mr. Bison as a professional human poker player (a thing). Where Lie to Me relies heavily on the pseudoscience of microexpressions and body language—themselves derived from eugenics—POKERFACE draws inspiration only from the discipline of Texas Hold ‘Em poker playing, giving it a level of stark, often macabre, realism that ups the ante of what you’ve come to expect from primetime criminal drama.

Hmmm…sounds pretty neat. But what else can I expect to see on this CTV show POKERFACE?

Besides taught crime-based suspense, POKERFACE also offers a good deal of wry humour. Lt. Pokerface sees the world through the lens of a cynic, often approaching situations with a trademark caustic wit. As a result, Pokerface often goes head-to-head with his puritanical partner, Chase T. Loman (Callum Keith Rennie*, in his first turn as the straight man) and an aging mentor played by the venerable Gordon Pinsent (Due South, Power Play). Also, see Pokerface play card to get with the city’s most eligible bachelorettes as he pulls double-duty as a practised ladiesman proficient in the venereal arts of seduction and love-makery. But what about the one who got away, local Bluff Springs kindergarten teacher and high school sweetheart Molly DeMure (Mia Kirshner)? Will Pokerface learn that love’s the game with the highest stakes of all? Tune in to find out!

Well I’m convinced. But my friend here still isn’t sold. Can we have one final pitch?

Sure. POKERFACE! The CTV’s new Tuesday night crime program! Catch all the terse procedural action on POKERFACE! STRAIGHT drama! FLUSH with suspense! A FULL HOUSE of entertainment! POKERFACE! The man who can catch a tell from two districts over! Pokerpalace.com gives POKERFACE “two aces in the pocket! A slam dunk!” POKERFACE!

So stop by our crafts service table in your neighbourhood for a piping hot coffee and muffin and catch all the excitement of a real-live television filming. And don’t forget to catch POKERFACE! Coming to a Tuesday night near you! This fall on the CTV!

*Please refrain from looking Callum Keith Rennie in the eye.

The Dark Knight (Dir. Christopher Nolan, 2008): The understated prestige picture of last year which coyly pulls double duty as a cape-and-cowl action romp, this piece made a small splash at the Venice International Film Festival, buoyed by Aaron Eckhart’s star-turn performance as “The Face.” This film also features a passable performance by Heath Ledger, who we’re all excited to see more from.

Breathless (Dir. Jean-Luc Godard, 1960): Erratically paced and spatially incoherent, this masterpiece inaugurated the French New Wave Cinema of the 1960s, while simultaneously reconfiguring the grammar of cinema as we know it. This avant-romp provided the pointed answer to the question: “They make movies in other languages now?”

Slumdog Millionaire (Dir. Danny Boyle, 2008): Like foreign films do ya? Annoyed when you have to read them, are ya? Well cozy up, dumbass, for the most heart-warming film of the year. When some kid goes on some game show and wins a bunch of money, people can’t believe he’s that smart because he’s poor. Turns out that being poor doesn’t mean you can’t have a rich, storied and romp-filled life that can translate well into an organized trivia show context! Did you know they make movies in India too? Well English filmmaker Danny Boyle did and now he’s kind enough to share the spoils with you! And wait until you see ‘em dance! This movie is soooooo cute and will make you feel sooooooo good after you’ve seen it. No wonder it won the Best Movie Ever Oscar! (Note to American audiences: a rupee is like a dollar except it’s not worth anything.)

Bride Wars (Dir. Probably some woman, 2009): Anne “Ha-ha” Hathaway and Kate “Ho-ho” Hudson take the seven-layered cake in this delightful rom-com romp. Perfect for the girlfriend/spouse trying to lamely hen-peck her boyfriend into thinking that Die Hard isn’t awesome. Dont 4get da Kleenex gurls! lol

Blue Velvet (Dir. David Lynch, 1986): This is the real Trapped In the Closet! When an All-American teen hunk (Kyle McLachlan) finds a severed ear for some reason, the smalltown sleuth gets caught up in a tangled web of rape, child-napping, woman-punching, Roy Orbison songs and imported beer. This sado-comic romp into the darker recesses of the human psyche (and Middle America!!!) will have you laughing, crying and cheering “He put his disease in me!”

Querelle (Dir. Rainer Werner Fassibinder, 1982): Not for the straight of heart, this German-language adaptation of Jean Genet’s French-language high-seas homoerotic romp is remembered for it’s surreal set-design and plaintive post-Anger homoerotic rompery. The perfect film to tell people you’ve seen.

Showgirls (Dir. Paul Verhoven, 1995): Sure sure, you’ve heard that this is one of the worst American films ever made. But how can you believe that? Have you seen every American film ever made? Have you seen Bride Wars? Are you even discerning enough to tell the difference between something that’s “bad” and a sly, ironic romp through the torrid backstage coke scene of Las Vegas, that channels everything from nudie-cutie sexploitation films to the big budget studio musicals of Busby Berkeley? Don’t you get that Jessie from Saved By The Bell is acting bad because Paul Verhoven wants her too? Did you know he made Robocop, or that he got Sharon Stone to appear pantie-less in Basic Instinct by telling her the camera wasn’t running? Are you aware that Paul Verhoven also helmed Spetters, Starship Troopers and Total Recall and that he’s ten steps ahead of you at any time?

Jurassic Park (Dir. Stephen Spielberg, 1993): The Citizen Kane of dinosaur-based cautionary tales, this sci-fi/thriller romp romped through theaters with the rip-rompin’ aplomb of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Sam Neil, Laura Dern, and Richard Attenborough in the same film! Need I say more? Yes! Because the ‘Blum is there too! Check out the blockbuster hit you might have missed as a result of your temporary residency under a rock!

Citizen Kane (Dir. Orson Welles, 1941): The Jurassic Park of movies dealing with the lives of curmudgeonly media magnates, this Golden Age of Hollywood romp will keep you guessing until the very end, where you learn that “Rosebud” is just the sleigh Kane treasured as a child.

Thelma & Louise (Dir. Ridley Scott, 1991): When his hysteric, devil-may-care wife abandons him for a romping weekend of wanton fun and extramarital horsing-off with her loud mouth friend Louise, a stand-up husband (Christopher McDonald) teams up with a by-the-book cop (Harvey Keitel) to see if he can’t get wifey back in time for their anniversary. Keep an eye out for a young, pre-Legends of the Fall Stephen Tobolowsky!

Die Hard (Dir. John McTiernan A.K.A. GOD!!!!, 1988): In this, the only movie ever made, Bruce Willis plays a renegade New York cop who plays–get this–by his own rules. It’s shim-sham-KABLAM!!!! as Willis fricassees about a million Kraut’s like a regular Roy Rogers (whoever that is)! If you thought the Return of Bruno album was good, wait until you see Willis act! YIPPIE-KAY-AY, MOTHER$*@^#%!!!

Welcome to RED Financial…

…and congratulations.

Why are congratulations in order? Easy. Because you’re one of the few who is looking to protect his financial security. Because in these tough economic times you’re not too proud to accept a l’il boost. Because you have realized that money neither grows nor accumulates 7% fixed interest on trees. Because you have realized that not only dreaming a dream but being a dream is the only way to secure yours and your family’s security. Because you’re bold enough to radically diversify your investment portfolio.

Here at RED Financial we take our acronym seriously. And so will you. Our mission is simple:

Realize that this is your dream and it’s only you who is the one who can live it.

Examine the financial goals you need to set and surpass to be this dream.

Dream of a world of financial security brought about by investment diversification.

Where other investment groups will try to sell you on gold, foreign currency or other fleeting investment opportunities as a way to secure your financial dreams, at RED Financial we encourage you to invest in what works: vintage 1980s action figures and toy novelties. When properly cared for and left in their original packaging, the return on these investments has the potential to exceed even that offered by antique guitars, classic muscle-era automobiles and first-run O-Pee-Chee hockey cards.

MEET YOUR FINANCIAL PLANNER

In 1996, John Semley made a meager living as a Jr. Financial Analyst at H&R Block. He drove a Lumina, carried a 17 handicap and dated an overly-perky brunette with afflicted vision. Then one day, he turned his life around. Now John Semley takes cabs for distances as short as two blocks, has someone who plays golf for him and dates only natural blondes. He owns his own condo with a rooftop patio, which he financed by selling a mint in-box 1983 Bib Fortuna action figure (Kenner Toys, No.70790) and he wants to help YOU be your dreams by living his own personal motto: DISPOSABLE INCOME IS INCOME TOO.

CERTIFIED TESTIMONIALS

“I always knew that my complete set of Madballs were perfect for squeezing, tossing, bouncing and spooking my sister. What I never knew is that they’re also great collateral for securing a lease on my genuine pre-owned Kia Rio. Thanks John!”

-Brad Steve, contemporary automobile collector

“I used to have literally no money. Like zero dollars, bud. What I DID have was a complete set of Battle Beasts action figures, only lightly played with. Thanks to John Semley, I now enjoy as many as four hot meals per calendar week.”

-Roger Mc Michaelbrad, local gourmand

“The day before I met John Semley, I ate a dog food and two crow egg omelet for brunch. Then he helped me secure my financial future by refinancing my dusty USS Flagg playset. Now I own my own fleet of curbside omelet bars!”

-Pat Alan, Successful Omeletier

“I needed cash. Fast. I sold my son’s original Rodimus Prime robot car toy thingy. Now my kid hates me, but damn if I didn’t make rent.”

-“Boozin’” Suzan Hunt, mother/derelict

“John Semley helped me sell a bunch of Street Sharks to some sexless nerd who uses eBay. I don’t even know why I had the things. They were in my closet for like years. I thought the one was a Rocksteady for sure. Now I can afford to get my ankh tat filled in. Cool.”

-Stephen Lincolnton, body art enthusiast

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On June 13th, 10:43 am, Samuel Withenshaw wrote:

Hello volunteers!
On behalf of all the staff at Skip Rope for Heart, I would like to express our sincerest gratitude for all of your help coordinating and participating in the events of the last few months. Your continued efforts have helped to make 2009 the most successful year yet! We are offering a volunteer camping retreat this weekend as a way of expressing our thanks, and to help you stay committed to augmenting the human spirit through skipping. We have a lot of fun activities planned: swimming, canoeing, orienteering, as well as some trust exercises, so that we can all go that little extra mile in the race to get to know each other just a little bit better. And don’t worry folks—you can leave your skip-ropes at home!

Here is the camping Itinerary for Saturday:

7:45 AM-  Meet outside the school at 7:45 AM to be ready for 8:00 AM departure. Your first meal on the trip will be lunch, so pack appropriately. Bring a dry bag for your belongings (PACK TIGHTLY), and make sure you bring a waterproof bag as well, in case of rain.

11:00 AM – Arrive on site. Set up tents.

11:35 AM – Picnic lunch. (NOTE: Be mindful of your food waste, dispose of it all in plastic bag and lock it in the van, which will be parked away from the camp site.)

12:00 PM – Leisurely stroll about site

12:30 PM – Orienteering

1:30 PM  – Trust exercises, Casual frisbee throwing

2:15 PM – Canoe races, swimming

5:30 PM – Late afternoon snack (Provided)

6:15 PM – Board games, impromptu conversations and general free time

8:30 PM – Human Barbeque

9:30 PM – Site clean up (NOTE: Very important that nothing is left behind, all food waste is properly disposed of, even the slightest carelessly-strewn leftover from the barbeque is enough to attract unwanted visitors!)

10:15PM – Bonfire, group singalongs to Weezer songs on acoustic guitar

11:00PM – Ghost stories

11:45PM – Return to tents for sleep

Feel free to E-mail me with any questions!
Samuel

——–
On June 13, 10:49 am David Buchland wrote:
Human Barbeque?
?????????????

———

On June 13, 11:51 am Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Yes, the organization is providing and facilitating a barbeque for all those who join us on our weekend camping getaway expedition, at no extra cost to you.
-Sam

———-

On June 13,  12:07 pm David Buchland wrote:
Haha, Ok. I misunderstood, I thought that ‘Human Barbeque’ implied that we are going to be barbequeing humans, and not just that we are going to have a barbeque, and are humans (which I thought was self-implied.) Sorry for the alarmist reaction!
–Dave

———-

On June 13, 12:21 pm Mahmoud Omar wrote:
Just to make sure, if it is not a human barbeque in the way that Dave interpreted, could we make sure that there are non-pork options available? For religious reasons I abstain.

———-

On June 13, 12:37 pm Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Dave,
You were right when you mentioned that stating we are humans is self-evident. It is indeed. I think we can all agree that there are no dogs, squirrels, or cashews on our organization’s listserv, and I would be the first to ring the alarmist bells, should that be the case. We will indeed be barbequeing humans at the Human Barbeque. Wow, didn’t expect this to cause so much confusion.
-Sam

———–

On June 13, 12:43 pm Isaac Goldstein wrote:
Yes, I as well must request a non-pork option for the barbeque, for similar religious reasons. What will be the alternatives? I, for one, like chicken and fish.

———–

On June 13, 12:51 David Buchland wrote:
Still unclear: you mean like a regular barbeque, right? Barbequing beef burgers and pork hot dogs and chicken breast, right?
Dave

————

On June 13, 1:07pm Chett Briggs wrote:
I hate Weezer. Isn’t there something less gay we can sing?

———–

On June 13, 1:12 Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
No, Dave: we have already determined that pork is not an option due to the religious beliefs of several of our volunteer organization. We do not wish to discriminate against them and I personally get little to no enjoyment from the taste of chicken or beef. We will be using a barbeque to cook the meat of freshly killed humans, upon having been cooked, we will eat the human meat. I trust I won’t have to explain this again.

———–

On June 13, 1:26 pm  Isaac Goldstein wrote:
Oops! Just noticed that Sam answered my “alternatives” question before I had even asked. Apologies for the redundant question, looking forward to the trip!

———–

On June 13, 1:41pm Mahmoud Omar wrote:
Chett-
What about Coldplay?

———–

On June 13, 4:01 pm David Buchland wrote:
Hey Sam,
Still feeling uncomfortable about the whole “human barbeque” element. Here’s an idea: if people aren’t into chicken or beef, maybe we could just miss the whole barbeque entirely and skip right to the ghost stories? Don’t mean to complicate things or derail the plan–It’s a great plan, just that one little element I take issue with.
Thanks!
Dave

———-

On June 13 4:07 pm, Rick Redd wrote:
Without the human barbeque, the ghost stories are rendered irrelevant.
-Rick

———-

On June 13, 4:18 pm Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
Ricky is right. The whole point of the ghost stories is to be scared by the prospects of being haunted by the very people we had eaten just hours before. Dave, can we move on from the barbeque issue?
Chett, we won’t only be singing Weezer. Lewis, our acoustic guitarist, is well versed in an assortment of campfire classics: from Michael Row Your Boat Ashore to Koombaya–and everything in between. Hopefully there will be some music you can find an interest in throughout the night. Coldplay would be a good idea, but it might be hard to play their keyboard-centric music on an acoustic guitar.

———–

On June 13, 4:26 pm, David Buchland wrote:

MOVE ON FROM THE “BARBEQUE ISSUE”? WHAT KIND OF A VOLUNTEER ORGANIZATION IS THIS? I CAME HERE TO HELP RAISE MONEY AND AWARENESS FOR HEART  DISEASE THROUGH SKIPPING, NOT TO PARTICIPATE IN SOME BIZARRE AND DISGUSTING HUMAN SUPPER. COOKING PEOPLE IN A BARBEQUE AND EATING THEM IS NOT MUCH BETTER THAN CANNIBALISM! YOU CAN COUNT ON NOT SEEING ME AT THE WEEKEND RETREAT.

———–

On June 13, 4:32 pm, Samuel Withenshaw wrote:
David,
I apologize for the shock that this must have brought upon you, but there is nothing you can do to alter the course of the upcoming weekend. The eating of humans is, and has always been, an essential part of the Skip Rope for Heart Expedition. How else do you think we bring in so many new skipping ropes annually? What did you imagine was the reason that our organization recruits tens of new participants with each passing event? How do you think we ensure that our own hearts remain strong?
In life, there are no accidents. Hearts will not cure themselves. Skip-ropes do not appear magically. Certain sacrifices must be made to the overseers. We are powerless to change this. All we can do is attempt to be as fair and humane about the practice as possible.

Perhaps it will set your heart at ease if the process is explained:

The victim is chosen by a process of random selection, and placed on a sacrificial stone. The winner of the last month’s Skip-a-thon will cut through the victim’s abdomen with an obsidian or flint blade. The heart is torn out still beating and held towards the sky, to honor those who have given their energy to skipping for cures. The body is then carried away to be cleaned and prepared for the celebratory meal. The meat is seasoned with chipotle and barbeque sauce, served on a whole wheat bun  alongside an endive salad with a drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette.
We recognize that this process might sound barbaric to the uninitiated, but we are not ignorant people. We are not careless people. We know that the life of one human, while valuable, does not outweigh the greater good.
Your holier-than-thou moralist attitude is not appreciated by our charitable organization. Whether or not you intend on attending the retreat, you are quickly becoming a leading candidate for our random selection.

See you Saturday,
Samuel

———-
On June 13 4:25 pm Chett Briggs wrote:
All those bands are gay

Look ma, no "friends"!

by Anybody McYou, SoloJobs.tk employee

I used to be a successful real estate agent, but now I get rich from the comfort of my living room using the internet. How’d I do it? Read on.

I thought I had it all. I went to college, got a great job, had a fast car, a big house, a beautiful wife, everything. But one day I lost my taste for it. I just couldn’t face the people anymore – everyone asking questions, complaining, thinking ill thoughts about me, and so on.

So what did I do? Did I continue going to the office, where I’d have to talk to these assholes every day? Did I continue paying for the car, which conveyed me to that damned watering hole? Did I continue paying for that big house I was never in? Did I continue maintaining a relationship with my frigid wife?

No! I left all those things behind. I left my job, my wife left me, my house left me with my wife, and I drove my car off a cliff! “Sayonara,” I said, as I watched my old life burn to ashes!

Was I sad? Sure, a little bit. I cried my share of tears, of course. But did anyone see this shame? No! Because I started working from home.

“How,” you ask? Through the magic of the internet! In a fit of hotelbound despair, I turned to the web for solace. Proving once again the old axiom that opportunity only knocks when you’re aroused and in a bathrobe, an ad literally popped up to inform me of fabulous moneymaking opportunities!

One click, and away I went into the workanight world of SoloJobs.tk. After following the simple registration procedure, this online temp agency will ream your inbox with so many job offers that you almost certainly will scream. I know I did!

My first job was in marketing. All I had to do was submit a list of 1000 valid email addresses – no problem, as I still had my dumb contacts from my stupid other job! At $0.08 per address, I had more money than I’d had in weeks, and I knew I’d found my calling.

Countless other jobs followed, each providing an exciting new challenge and opportunity! Whether I was defending Israeli actions on political message boards, ghostwriting on behalf of Nigerian royalty in hot soup, or masturbating to climax on camera, I called the shots, I set the hours, and I made the money.

No more coworkers! No more gossip! No more evil eye! No more bitch wife! The world is my oyster, and I don’t have to share! How great is this setup? Well… you see that ellipsis? I just waved my dick at the world through the window! Also, I’m naked! I’ve been naked this whole time! I eat cereal constantly, and nobody belittles me for it! I don’t need to buy or wash clothes anymore! I can spend my money on classic action figures, and nobody complains! I not only signed up for work, I signed up for ultimate freedom!

I alone grasp the tiller, I alone furl the sails, I alone make blow the wind! Neither rule of law nor wrath of god muzzle – hang the child that cries bloody blasphemy! No demon in no cragged dungeon dare plunder Mammon’s cruel lucre under such rapacious auspices as I! Avast and well met, ye decadent drones who would smelt thyselves in this terrible hellforge of spectral whispers! Let dry the seas and let fallow the fields – no human death, but the cursed throne of ancients awaits! Wrench free the scepter of ages, pry loose the crown of Hades!  Find out how! Email now!

Baskin-Robbins Butterscotch Ripple
Butterscotch, butterscotch, butterscotch! Such a great flavour that Baskin-Robbins is really talented at, plus the name is so fun to say.  This will always be one of my all time favorite ice creams because  butter is my favorite spread (its like warm savory ice cream) and scotch reminds me of my dad. 10/10 for everything! Five giant chocolately scoops!

Laughing Buddha Green Tea Ice Cream -
All I can say is “Yuk!” Why do people these days always put strange flavors in their ice creams? The container has a picture of a fat man smiling, but I wouldn’t be smiling if I had to eat this stuff, which I did! Plus I don’t know why he is so fat if he only eats health food ice cream. Green tea is what moms drink, and ice cream is for dads. I’m sorry, but I have to give this zero measly scoops without even a chocolaty aftertaste. Don’t mean to offend!

Ben & Jerry’s Berried Treasure
This is delicious!  Berry is not usually my favorite flavor but Ben & Jerry’s knows how to do it well. I can really see myself enjoying this one on a hot summer’s day. This would be a great ice cream for a father to take a son out for after a baseball game. Three giant scoops with many chocolate sprinkles.

PC Chocolate Fudge Crackle Peppermint Chocolate -

Sometimes, I forget how close chocolate mint is to being my all time favorite ice cream flavor ever! The label says this one uses very good quality peppermint and authentic chocolate flavors. You can really tell! It has a delicious mint taste but still never feels overly minty. It also has those amazing P.C. chocolaty sticks that melt in your mouth the second they touch your tongue. I have to say this is right up there with Cookie Dough Castle Brownie Thunder! I give this a rating of five heaping scoops with enormous chocolate chunks. Why can’t I have a father who loves me?

Dairy Queen Chocolate -

Everyone loves chocolate! Its the one thing that everyone agrees about, even parents! This old standby might not have the pizzazz that newer flavors like Pecan Predator or Bittersweet Boysenberry Languor  but its a great one to just keep a whole bunch of tubs of it in your ice cream freezer for all those times when loneliness takes a hold of you and cripples you like a father’s cane making you feel all cold inside like your heart is made of ice cream so that you can’t change your clothes or leave your house for weeks! A perfect ice cream to keep on hand, for those moments.

Breyers Cherry Vanilla-

Cherry Vanilla used to be my favorite Breyers flavor but it has really gone down the drain. They don’t use the same type of cherries anymore and the flavour and texture just tastes “off”. Everything started changing when they started adding air to it but the public didn’t complain. Yet! They thought they could pull the wool over every body’s eyes and think that no one would notice but I noticed because I notice everything and remember everything even if I’m told I shouldn’t, I don’t care I’ll remember it anyway. I remember my dad used to buy it for me sometimes when he would pick me up from school in grade six, after my dad left my mom would buy it for me every day but the flavour changed and has never been the same. Very sad. Now when I eat it today I notice that it doesn’t even taste like the same product at all. Lots has changed since the 1970s but especially this ice cream more than anything else is different.

Cow’s Gooey Mooey – This ice cream is really good. I could live off this. I do. One good thing about when your parents leave you alone is that you can eat whatever you want because they aren’t always checking in on you to make sure you only eat vegetables! For thirty five years I have been eating only ice cream and I still haven’t been caught yet! Everyday I eat so much ice cream for breakfast, dinner and supper and wait for my dad to come in and scold me for only eating ice cream and no vegetables but the joke is on him because he hasn’t even come yet! Oh boy, I am going to get in so much trouble when he finally comes back home and sees all these empty ice cream tubs everywhere and no empty vegetable tubs. I am going to be grounded forever and ever! But it’ll be worth it!