Cutaneous immune emission syndrome, known commonly among schoolchildren as Cooties, appears to be on the brink of extinction, according to a press release by the World Kindergrteners Association (WKA).
“We’re still treating new cases, but numbers have waned dramatically over the past few years,” says Logan Klein, a 6-year-old first grader with a dual cub scout merit [...]
Tags:bradley cootie·cootie prevention·cooties·kids·nerds·socially misaligned foreign students·wads
These are not just my top five albums of all time. There is no argument. These are simply the top five albums of all time. How can I be so sure? Because while all the other kiddies are dipping their fingers in paint, I’m reading liner notes. Because when I hear my entire kindergarten class [...]
Tags:Frank & Beanz
(LOS ANGELES) Brian Dangerfield, son and youngest child of comedian Rodney Dangerfield, has been refused enrolment at the prestigious and swanky Respectington Academy.
Declaring the child’s aptitude test results to be “lower than Rodney’s wife at a miners’ convention,” the notoriously exclusive school chose to award the final fall semester spot to the Elysse, daughter of [...]
Tags:back to school·beeswax·caddyshack·child education·COMEDY·dignity·earl grey·family·houndstooth·lack of respect·mr. wang·no respect·private school·respect·respect not given·rodney dangerfield·school admissions·Stand up comedy·sweat·ugly·vinny boom-botz
Question:
My mother says I’m too old for Trick or Treats (I’m almost thirteen), but Halloween is my favorite Holiday and I don’t want to have to stay inside and do my additions, as mother suggests. Am I too old, and if the answer is Yes, are there any fun activities that adults do on Halloween [...]
Welcome to RED Financial…
…and congratulations.
Why are congratulations in order? Easy. Because you’re one of the few who is looking to protect his financial security. Because in these tough economic times you’re not too proud to accept a l’il boost. Because you have realized that money neither grows nor accumulates 7% fixed interest on trees. Because [...]
Tags:Bib Fortuna·economic downturn·financial planning·G.I. Joe·investing·Madballs·Transformers
ATTN: All Students, Ms. Garcia-Thompson’s Second Grade Class, PS-1286
RE: Regime Change
Citizens,
Following the events of last week’s in-class presidential election, your new democratically elected leader, Mr. John Davis Jefferson (“DJ”) Moore, would like to take this chance to debrief you on exactly how he plans to improve your public school experience. First off, regarding his campaign, [...]
Tags:elementary school·Marvel vs. DC·naps·pizza day·Republicans·second ammendment·Superman·undocumented immigrants
By Helen McCormick
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In addition to the Thorndale Middle School Student Code of Conduct, I, the undersigned student in Miss McCormick’s Grade 7 English class, avow (on penalty of detention, suspension or expulsion) that:
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1 I will always have completed the appropriate reading for a lecture.
1.1 If I have not completed the assigned reading, I will not [...]
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By Jasper Wren
I remember it clearly. After a timid knock on the French door of my father’s study, he lets me in. I promptly hop onto his knee for our evening discussion. This day, however, I have more on my mind than simple colonial economic policy, or Boswell’s Life of Johnson—two of our frequent subjects. [...]
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“I’m a total dork,” Christian Glazner overeagerly blurts out as we sit down for roast chicken red pepper sandwiches and chocolate milk in the school cafetorium. That much was apparent. With his purple vintage Mario T, mom-meets-dad style fop top, and tie-my-shoe era Chuck Taylors, Glazner is not the type to be picked first in [...]
Tags:Gilmore Girls·hipster children·Juno·mixtapes·vintage t-shirts·witty banter
(TORONTO, ON) Though his two-plus decades in filmmaking and dozen feature films have garnered critical acclaim, awards at the illustrious Cannes and Toronto Film Festivals, something called a Dan David Prize for “Creative Rendering of the Past” and brought him one degree of separation from Kevin Bacon (giving him a Bacon Factor of 1), Canadian-Armenian [...]
Tags:Atom Egoyan·Canadian cinema·dining with children·holiday meals·network narratives·nonlinear storytelling·people with a Bacon Factor of 1