Cutaneous immune emission syndrome, known commonly among schoolchildren as Cooties, appears to be on the brink of extinction, according to a press release by the World Kindergrteners Association (WKA).
“We’re still treating new cases, but numbers have waned dramatically over the past few years,” says Logan Klein, a 6-year-old first grader with a dual cub scout merit badge in band-aid application and removal. “If this trend continues, Cooties will be completely eliminated by 2014.”
Klein and others attribute the sharp decline to the tireless awareness and education efforts of the WKA, along with increased availability of preventative medical treatment.
“If you told me 5 years ago that Cooties was on a path toward extinction, I’d have been speachless,” says Klein, whose soft, childlike features betray a bitter past. “I lost a brother to the virus. Which is to say he was marginally ostracized by his peers during recess. My pain is what drove me to devote myself to the cause, and I know many of the other awareness advocates out there share similar stories.”
The real tragedy of Cooties is that it has continued to spread, despite being completely preventable.
“The Circle-Circle-Dot-Dot or CCDD vaccine has been around since at least the mid-70s,” says “epidebiobolist” Dax Wooten, “but a complex interplay of schoolyard social dynamics and inefficient preteen communication networks have lead to woefully inconsistent application.”
Wooten, whose lima bean germination experiment received a check-plus from Mrs. Langerley, believes that social media have played a crucial role in increasing awareness of CCDD.
“Anyone can administer the vaccine. It is over 98% effective if applied prior to infection, and there are no known side-effects,” Wooten stresses. “If you or anyone you know between the ages of 4-10 and has yet to receive the Cootie shot, please take action immediately.”
The WKA’s bullish proclamations have been met with caution by the much maligned nerd community. While school popularity experts believe an eradication of Cooties would to lead to better integration for wads and foreign students, many losers, like Terse Magrew of Rockford Illinois, are skeptical of the science underlying CCDD treatment.
“I’ve survived seven separate Cooticolus infections, despite having been vaccinated numerous times by my big sis,” says Magrew, whose body exudes a cheesy odor. “I don’t know what the Cootie shot actually does, but I sure as heck know it doesn’t protect against Cooties. If we’re ever going to truly eliminate this illness, we need to understand how it operates on a molecular level.”
Magrew takes a vial filled with apple juice and pours it into a flask in a manner reminiscent of a stereotypical scientist.
“The Cooties virus remains in your system months after you stop exhibiting symptoms, and only a certified mom or mom-care professional can tell if it’s gone,” says Magrew. “I successfully extracted a hair from my baby brother’s head after I infected him. Then I fed it to my cat. It coughed up a hairball so big! Wanna play with my Lego Mindstorms?”
“God what a dork,” says Klein. “It’s people like Terse who worry me. They seemingly have no clue that their own exceptional unpopularity is putting thousands of lives at risk.”
Celebrated Cooties awareness advocate and sufferer Jennifer DeLorge, who was tragically picked last for kickball last October.
“But all this is changing,” Klein adds, stifling a laugh. “One of the most exciting advances in the past two years has been the application of hyper-atomic wedgie and swirlie technology to the treatment of some of the more persistent cases.”
Wooten sums it up nicely, “We’re fighting the good fight now, so our little brothers, and our little brother’s little brothers don’t have to. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for soccer practice.”
[January is international Cooties awareness month. Please show you solidarity with Cooties sufferers and survivors by pinning a blue ribbon with the words "kick me" to your jacket.]
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