TERMINAL LAUGHTER

I know what it looks like, officer. But that’s just it – what it looks like. Have you ever heard of Korzybski?

You see, Korzybski was a linguist. A real cunning linguist, if you know what I mean – woff woff woff, arooo? Actually, what I mean is, he realized that the word “to be” is all wrong. He realized that you can’t say what something “is”. Like, say you hire a contractor – ’cause the old lady won’t let you sleep at night until that kitchen counter is installed, y’know? Like her life is depending on it – which, if you’re doing things right, it should – so you call the guy up, he comes over and say, “yeah, that’s gonna be about $1800″. And then he and his dumb klutz nephews show up and run you $2500 and any beer you had left in the fridge!

Heck, I’m guilty of that too. On my show, I’ve given estimates that got more queered up than my youngest. Hell, you’ve seen the show, you know what I’m talking about. Thing is, at the time, the job definitely did seem to “be” about $1800. Later on, it only made sense that it was $2500 and some Budweiser, woff woff woff. So when you say I “was” doing 90 in a school zone, and when that machine says I “am” twice over the limit, you just think about what you and the machine’ll say in eight hours.

And then, on top of that, you got a bunch of eggheads who talk in E Prime! You know the types: big, thick glasses; high, rounded skulls; absent, Canadian girlfriends? Yeah, I used to rough ‘em up too – but cut ‘em some slack, ’cause while we’re working on that new porch, they’re doing renovations on the space shuttle! Also, those guys realize that since you can’t say that anything is anything, or that Tim Allen is picking his kids up drunk at 4 PM, you shouldn’t use the verb “to be”! They wouldn’t say “Tim, you are due in court three months from now,” they’d say “Tim, you look great!”

Officer, officer! Think about this: the bonds between atoms are so weird, and so wacky, that you can’t even say that that ticket isn’t already ripped up! Officer, did you know that through spooky action at a distance, and quantum entanglement, no one who sees me put these folded bills into your pocket can say that they saw it, or that I actually put it there? What’s to say this sixty simoleons wasn’t in your uniform all along?

Officer, what’s the point in these handcuffs? You can trust me! And odds are that the atoms will all line up, and they’ll just fall right off!

Officer, come on! Just take the cash, let me out of here, we’ll get some shooters and walk through some locker room walls! I am immortal! Kings have knelt to kiss my rings! Have you ever heard of Count St. Germain?

A-woff woff woff! Aroooah!

THE END