TERMINAL LAUGHTER

Hello there,

I am a middle-aged, second-generation immigrant to your land looking to find an honest day’s work for an honest day’s wage. I am an extremely sturdy worker, whose size betrays a strong, working-class back/ethic. I should add that when I work, I do not wear a shirt. Instead, I prefer to wear trousers held up buy a set of high-duty suspenders. I also do not wear CSA approved steel toe safety boots, but rather a pair of dirty tennis shoes I’ve owned since 1982. I do not carry a wallet.

The following are some manual labour jobs for which I am well suited…
Painting outdoor banisters: If you have a steel banister that is one colour and you would like to change it to another colour (or—why not?—rust proof it) using paint, I’m your man. I am able to paint a banister of average length, width, and grade in a period of an afternoon, accounting for two bagged lunch breaks and the time it takes me to search for the pack of cigarettes that was in my back pocket the whole time. Unlike many banister painters in this town, I am not worried about getting paint on my shirt. (I won’t be wearing one.)

Manhole cover adjustment: If you are a mayor of town or city who has a make-work project involving adjusting the position of manhole covers or anything concealing street access to a sewer, give me a call. I can adjust the manhole covers anywhere from 45-80 degrees in any direction. I can also switch manhole covers from one manhole to another, or just stand there and stare at them intently, so that passerby will think I’m planning to do something with them. My presence there may also deter people selling manhole covers for scrap. Also, if you are looking to steal manhole covers and sell them for scrap, I am willing to work on a ten-percent commission.

Security: If you are hosting a stag and doe or other event at a local Legion, Polish Combatants Hall, Italo-Canadian Cultural Centre, or Victoria Edelweiss Club, I am available to stand outside the door and keep out the riff-raff who lack the ethnic background required for entry. Will work for 50/50 draw tickets.

Botched car interior reupholstering: I don’t have much experience reupholstering the interiors of cars, but if you’re looking for a big guy to get inside of your automobile and just mess around with a linoleum knife, look no further. If your interior is leather, don’t bother calling: I’d only resent you and not even bother attempting to competently finish the job. (Note: As I do not wear a shirt, there may be some perspiration stains left on your new interior.)

Install a screen door: I like this job because sometimes the fine mesh steel of the screen grates against my bare gut and it feels good. You may like this job because I do not have to enter your home and my grappling with the screen door itself will create a physical barrier between me and you/your children/your pets.

Chest freezer reassignment: I’m pretty good at moving whole chest freezers around: up or down stairs, etc. The leather suspenders I wear provide solid back support and I can usually just haul the thing around for a few minutes without pulling or tearing anything.

Hammer dummy: If you just need a guy who is wearing suspenders (but no shirt) to swing a claw or ball-pein hammer against a brick wall for a while for some reason, I can handle that. I can’t drive an actual nail for love or money, though, so don’t even ask.

Child rearing assistant: Gimmie a call if you’re looking for a guy to sit on the edge of your son or daughter’s bed breathing heavily. When they eventually wake up, panicked, they will see my sunburned, smiling face as well as my all-purpose work suspenders and calloused labourer’s hands, and realize the value of a college education. For jobs like this, I will generally leave your house at my own pace and treat myself to one item from your chest freezer.

General labour: If you have any unskilled labour tasks (i.e. no plumbing, grout, wiring, rolling up loose change, or duct work), fitting for a man with no particular skill set or shirt who smells like capers and the case of OV he drank last night, I am open to hearing about it. I also know a guy who makes a bad habit of leaving the keys to his truck in the driver’s side visor, so if you have any tasks that require a truck, I can help with those too (no driver’s license, though: wouldn’t let me pose for the photo shirtless). I prefer to work for cash or trade my services for items you own, though I can maybe make arrangements to accept major credit cards, if I ask my nephew about how to do it.

If you have any work at all for me, please contact me. I can usually be found admiring fence post diggers in back alleys around town, dusting dry cement mix off my bare chest in front of independently-owned submarine sandwich shops, and can also be reached by e-mail: gravedigger_fan@mindspring.com.