TERMINAL LAUGHTER

With the reverberations are still being felt from last month’s Michael Cera scandal, a new study threatens to demolish what is left of Michael Cera’s nice-guy credibility.  The study, released yesterday, claims that famed nice-seeming so-and-so Michael Cera is, in actuality, not as unassuming as the characters he traditionally plays.  Naturally, these allegations have set off a firestorm of debate that threatens to upset Cera Week celebrations at their very apogee, after an uneasy beginning in the wake of multiple Cera scandals.

Fans around the world were shocked last month when allegations of impropriety and narcissistic negligence were leveled against Canadian actor/haircut Michael Cera.  Specifically, a Hamilton waitress accused the Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World star of leaving an insufficient tip, despite excellent service and a free refill coffee (not normally a standard feature at that particular Boston Pizza).

The fiasco, dubbed “Tip-pot Dome” for lack of any reasonable means of attaching the “-gate” suffix, came as a severe blow to Cera’s public image – especially at a time when the promotion campaign for Pilgrim (in theatres worldwide August 13^th, “Great” – Kevin Smith) can ill afford any negativity.  Beyond the to-be-expected bad press, the scandal reflects especially poorly on Cera, whose persona for nearly a decade has been anchored by polite uncertainty, a paralyzing eagerness to please, and a near-flagellant self-admonishment for even the slightest social trepidation.

“For Cera to be accused of callousness is as shocking as the Pope being accused of first-degree kiddie fiddling,” remarked user WereHereWereCera on the michaelcera.biz messageboards, summing up the outrage of Ceraheads worldwide at these accusations.  This outrage has only been amplified by the release of a study that indicates that as many as 95% of Michael Cera improprieties, uncoutheries, and faux pas (plural) are reported.

“Cera’s reputation has a way of baffling and intimidating the victims of his aggression,” reports Dr. Dryer of the Cerological Institute of Bethesda, Maryland.  “Many will overlook, forgive, or simply fail to notice the many minor mistakes and social disgraces he perpetrates.  But don’t be fooled by his aw-shucks stammer and non-athletic hunch – beneath them beats the heart of an all-too-comfortable human.”

Dr. Dryer’s research team admits that it is impossible to tell exactly how many affronts Cera commits, but if their recent field investigation is any indication, the number could range anywhere from 20 to 50 a week – nearly as many as the notably less-endearing David Cross or, possibly, Michael McKean.

“We’re talking the whole gamut of missteps: bad tips, dandruff, parking too far from the curb, not holding the door for someone, returning a phone call with a text, taking someone’s laundry out of the dryer to do his own, belching in an ethnic restaurant and claiming that the culture appreciates it, calling Lebanese cuisine ‘ethnic’, and, of course, farts.”

Elias was careful to note that this is a tally of farts not reported by Cera himself – to say nothing of those not reported by the mainstream media.  “We are talking about farts that Cera himself refuses to publicize.  The media is left with nothing but speculation, and even then, only on the audible farts.”

“Our shotgun microphones detected an average daily output of 82.8 farts above 40 dB.  For reference, 40 dB is nearly as loud as Javier Bardem’s speaking voice in No Country For Old Men, played at a reasonable volume.”

“Assuming a normal sphincter size and constriction, and assuming that he is making no secret effort to dampen the volume of the farts, we can estimate that this is nearly 6.5 litres of fart that is belching out of the rectum of a celebrity whose bread and butter is gentle self-effacement and meekness to the point of pathology.  There is a silent crime being committed here, and it comes in the form of pounds of aerosol Bramptonian feces that unsuspecting mumblefans have been breathing in since 2003.”

Michael Cera was reached for comment, but due to the poor reception of his cell phone, could issue no comment other than curse words directed at the number of bars it displayed.  However, on his behalf, Cera defenders have decried the study as baseless muckraking and dogpiling designed to heap scorn upon an already-embattled celebrity.

“Michael Cera has had to endure box office ennui, typecasting, imposters, the brutal underratedness of Paper Heart, and now this,” lamented Michael Cera, a Michael Cera fan who changed his name to reflect his taste in actors.  “This is just backstabbing from fairweather fans who feel alienated by an unassuming young actor’s enduring success in limited roles.  It’s called the Savage effect, and it can be very difficult – the Savage brothers all but put their careers on hold to escape it.”

The study has met with informal acclaim from the Cerological community, but due to the controversy surrounding it, will remain unpublished by leading Cera periodical Cera-Focused American until a peer review process has been completed.  Until then, Cera week celebrations will continue, including the traditional burning of the Wicker Cera and assorted virgins on Friday.