TERMINAL LAUGHTER

Encyclopedia Tyrannica, 3rd Ed.:

Senator Benedict McLincoln feared communist influence so much that he remained incognito, in hiding, and virtually inaccessible for the duration of his single senatorial term, from 1950 to 1952.  Believing the majority of American politicians to be under the sway of Soviet hypno-rays, he almost never attended senate hearings or sessions.  Believing the majority of cars to be propelled by “teams of eight to twelve communists, hunched under the hood, running in unison, always turning left towards Moscow,” he rarely exited his house, the political orientation of which he was relatively uncertain.

Bob Jones Medical School Journal, Vol. 21 #2:

…test, devised by Sen. McLincoln, stipulates that the man is shown two films: one in which an attractive heterosexual couple is shown engaging in the sexual act, and another in which two fat men are engaged in heavy petting.  The heterosexual couple are communists, as indicated by a small red tattoo visible on the ankle of either, while the fat men are proud Americans. The true patriotic male will only be aroused by the fat men. If the subject displays significant tumescence during the heterosexual film, he is to be imprisoned.

King Grill-Up Barbecue Revue, March 1951:

KGUBR: Tell us about your favorite grillables.

Senator: I don’t barbecue as much as I used to.  Red meat or white meat, it’s still red blood.  You drain the blood, but it just flows into the ground then, doesn’t it?  Then you got commie grass.

KGUBR: You’re looking a little anemic, I must say.

Senator: Ain’t much iron in parrots.

KGUBR: You grill parrots?

Senator: Military Macaws.  Jabbery birds, but their heads are in the right place.

Stinker Thinkers: Science’s Goofiest Blunderheads!:

Everybody knows that light from receding stars shifts towards the red spectrum. But when Senator Benedict McLincoln heard this in 1950, he tried to submit a bill to fire faster-than-light rockets filled with copies of the Constitution at these “godless heavenly bodies”. However, during the proposition, he realized that rockets, even American ones, have a red glare – “like the eyes of Stalin.”  His next bill, a proposition to invade the USSR using only “un-tread-upon snakes,” failed to pass, by a vote of 42-58.

American Flag Round-Up, Vol. 2:

Senator McLincoln, who has repeatedly called for the removal of the colour red from the American flag and state institutions, was ejected from the United Nations building grounds last week, as he had attempted to remove the American flag from its pole in the plaza.  He was remanded to medical care shortly thereafter, as it became apparent he had recently attempted to bleach all pigment out of his skin.

Washington Post, March 5, 1953:

Former Senator Benedict McLincoln died tragically yesterday in a traffic accident. The police report describes him as having been fatally injured while riding a white stallion through a high-speed intersection. Senator McLincoln’s lifelong disregard for visibly red stop signs is believed to be a factor. He is survived by his wife, Janet (nee Wolczinkszsky) and a stockpile of guns. At the request of his last will and testament, there will be no viewing, and his body fed to officers presiding over court-martials.