TERMINAL LAUGHTER

MAN SQUAD POST # 3674

This could be you.

Hey fellas,

It’s hard out there to focus on a career and land a girlfriend, all while having to keep a roof over your head and food in your gut. We know. We’ve been there. That’s where Terminal Laughter’s Man Squad (a collection of our male and male-related bloggers) comes in.

Forget worrying about rent and food.

“But then how will I get a girlfriend? Girls love roofs and food.”

Well, there’s something else girls love more than roofs or food: consciences.

Environmentalism is all the rage these days with actual women, and the womanly men who are often their best friends and ones they turn to for advice on such pressing issues as, “Should I date this Terminal Laughter Man Squad blogger I just met?” You need to present yourself as an environmentalist. And how will you do this? Well, do nothing at all. In fact, quit your job. Do everything you do well: nothing. The less money you have, the more environmentally friendly you become. Lowering your eco footprint will ensure you’ll be putting a handprint all over her whatevers.

Scenarios

1. You have just taken a girl on a frugal date in a city park. After about an hour of playing the rousing game “Match owner to Dog” in the leashless zone, you invite her back home. Girl has entered your apartment and notices there are no lights on. She jokingly says, “Hey, it’s not Earth Hour.” You reply, “No, but this is planet Earth. And she is crying.” Soon the girl will cry at your sensitivity. Do not mention that the lack of lights is due to cheque bounceage. Play it off as a choice. Hang out in the dark, perhaps playing a two-person game of Marco Polo. If she asks for food, tell her you do not keep food in the house as cardboard and plastic packaging is terribly unethical. If feeling generous offer her a mint. (NOTE: Swipe mint from lobby of Greek restaurant earlier that day).

2. Things seem to be going well and so you invite Girl into your bedroom. Upon entry, it is clear that you lack a bed. When she points this out, say “Beds are made of wood. The clear-cutting of forests for bed production is something I cannot abide by.” It is a personal choice whether or not you would like to make a joke about the lack of wood in the room and presence of “wood” in your nether-regions. Depends on the Girl. If she has hoop earrings or a belt with a thickness greater than two thumb widths, go for it.

3.  After a long bout of back-breaking lovemaking on your parquet bedroom floor, the sun begins to rise and your apartment is finally illuminated. Girl sees that you, in addition to lacking a bed, also lack possessions of any kind. “I was going to suggest we watch a movie together, but I see that’s impossible because you don’t even own a TV.” Respond with a brusque shove and a declaration that this is by choice and that televisions are made of copper from notoriously noxious copper mines, and they use electricity, which everyone knows is a terrible drain to Mother Earth and a frequent cause of political clashes throughout the world. Drive your point home by lifting your shirt and revealing your tattoo, “No War For Electricity.” (NOTE: Use Magic Marker at the collating desk of your local Kinko’s to create “tattoo.”)

4. After a second bout of back-breaking love-making, Girl will probably hope to shower herself after all of the terrible things you’ve done with/to her. Happily tell her you would love to “do as cats do,” in lieu of an actual shower. Inform her that due to your green pledge, you do not subscribe to any hot water service. You would be keen to light a candle and wait a few days for a tea cup of water to warm. To do that, of course, would require a few days of ear wax collection to create a guilt-free candle though.

5. Things should be going horribly well at this point. Girl should be falling for you hard. Well, if you are a true Man Squad abider, then you will know that this is the LAST thing you want. You must institute a change in your tactics at this point. After being rejected for the shower, she may ask to use your toilet. Inform her that the porcelain in toilets is harvested from a mixture of dolphin kidneys and emu souls and thus, you do not have one. “Do it on my chest,” you say now.

6. After a wild, somewhat disgusting and defiling bout of back-breaking love-making, you will now both be craving a shower. At this point, seriously, just take a shower. I never thought you’d get this far. Forget about ploys to get girlfriends— if you’re into what you just did and you found a girl who’s also into the filthy act that just transpired between you two, hang on to her for dear life. She’s a keeper.

Peace from the Man Squad!