TERMINAL LAUGHTER

By Helen McCormick

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In addition to the Thorndale Middle School Student Code of Conduct, I, the undersigned student in Miss McCormick’s Grade 7 English class, avow (on penalty of detention, suspension or expulsion) that:

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1 I will always have completed the appropriate reading for a lecture.

1.1 If I have not completed the assigned reading, I will not catch up during class time, but listen attentively to the lecture.

1.2 I will not call the reading “gay.”

1.2.1 I will not call the reading “gay” even if the main character is gay.

1.2.2 I will not assume the main character is gay if I have not done the reading.

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2 I will always raise my hand before asking a question.

2.1 I will always ask permission before going to the bathroom.

2.2 I will not refer explicitly to the act of defecation.

2.3 I will not refer implicitly to the act of defecation.

2.3.1 I will not make mention of the phrase “slam dunk the chocolate chunk.”

2.3.1.1 I will not implicitly refer to the above phrase.

2.3.2 I will not make mention of any of the following phrases: poo, poop, plop, turd, dookie, shit, shitbomb, dooklear warhead, turtlehead, dooklear turtlehead, Teenage Poo-Taint Ninja Turtlehead, crap, craptitude test, Pookemon, log.

2.3.2 I will not make mention of any synonym of the word “feces”, no matter how elaborate.

2.3.2.1 I will not attempt to defend myself by commending my use of puns, synonyms, homonyms, antonyms, rhyme, alliteration, or the corruption of any other part of the curriculum.

2.3.2.2 Any mention I make of the word “loaf” will be in reference to bread.

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3 I will always address the teacher as “Miss McCormick.”

3.1 If the teacher gets married, and chooses to change her name, I shall thence always address the teacher by her chosen name.

3.2 I will not make reference to the teacher’s ex-husband.

3.2.1 I will not make reference to “Geoff-Dawg,” “Geoffin’ A”, “G-Spot,” “G-Bone,” “Maximum Geoffect,” “Geoff You Seek Amy,” “Geoffy Two-Bang,” or any of the above’s other nicknames.

3.2.1 I will not make reference to any nickname I or my classmates may have given the teacher’s ex-husband.

3.2.2 I will not send voicemails, emails, love letters, or pornographic material to the teacher in the guise of her ex-husband.

3.3 If the teacher chooses to share information from her private affairs, such sharing will be treated with respect and kindness.

3.3.1 I will not make loud, vocal assumptions about the teacher’s current romantic status.

3.3.1.1 I will especially keep quiet when Coach Devonish enters the room.

3.3.1.2 So help me God, I will not make any nicknames for Coach Devonish.

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4 I will not belch, pass gas, make armpit farts, or otherwise disrupt classroom activity with a non-verbal ejaculation.

4.1 I will not refer to anything as an “ejaculation,” but rather as an “outburst.”

4.2 I will not make insinuating use of the word “outburst.”

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5 I will not make fun of James for being quiet, skinny, or otherwise different from me.  I will accept who he is, and not act with hostility towards him.

5.1 I will not imitate James’ stutter, not matter how prolonged a particular bout may be.

5.2 I will not take advantage of James’ nervous, sensitive nature.

5.2.1 I will not steal James’ homework shortly before hand-in time.

5.2.2 I will not clap, yell, snap, or otherwise ejaculate make a loud noise directly next to James’ more sensitive ear.

5.2.2.1 I will not do the above directly next to James’ less sensitive ear either.

5.3 I will not attempt to bring James to tears by tricking him into believing a bat is on his head.

5.3.1 I will not assist Eric if he attempts to do so.

5.4 I will not upset James’ delicate blood sugar balance by making him snort Pixie Stix.

5.4.1 I will not upset James’ delicate blood sugar balance by making him snort ground-up Rockets.

5.4.2 I will not upset James’ delicate blood sugar balance by making him snort raw granulated sugar.

5.5 I will not feed James laxative.

5.5.1 If I or someone else (most likely Eric) has already fed James laxative, I will not pretend to be a ‘bathroom monitor’ and deny James entrance to the toilets.

5.5.1.1 If I am already impersonating a ‘bathroom monitor’ and James has been fed laxative, I will not upset him further by revealing my impersonation.  Instead, I will simply admit him, no matter how many people are pretending to be in line.

5.6 I will not encourage James to sexually harass the teacher through repetitive use of the phrase “slam-dunk the trunk.”

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6 I will respect the teacher’s personal space.

6.1 I will not fill the teacher’s desk with dildos.

6.1.1 If I am currently filling the teacher’s desk with dildos, I will not refer to her desk as her “personal space” at that exact moment.

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7 I will not view a potential early retirement by the teacher as a “badge of honour.”

7.1 I understand that if the teacher does retire early, it is because she has accomplished all she set out to do as a teacher, and not because of my efforts to undermine her self-esteem.

7.1.1 I understand that the teacher is not retiring to “suck a bunch of dicks,” no matter how loudly Eric asserts this supposition.

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8 I will not encourage Eric.

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Signed,

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9 I will not sign my name as “X,” “Batman,” or “Toots Buttburger.”